Tuesday, February 04, 2014

Over Them Mountains

Wow. Great Super Bowl Sunday, right?  Hope you guys enjoyed that. I know we did.  We didn't really enjoy the Seahawks and Broncos all that much.  The fact that it was a remarkable "Whoopin'" was a more spot-on representation of 80s nostalgia than that one Radio Shack commercial was.  But the fact that the Seahawks were the winners made this a terrible thing to have watched.
Of course the Broncos winning would not have been much better.  And we knew this going in which is one reason we decided to use the occasion to settle a question once posed by a creepy old dude in a movie. 

Here's what we came up with.

That is the Vibrio Vulnificus Football Club. Assembled for a Super Bowl Sunday match to end all football matches.  Seriously, after this it was expected that people would no longer want to look at or play football ever again.

Or to put it another way, Varg and I and some other people put together a semi-serious flag football team mostly for drinking purposes. Despite the fact our team's average age sits in the upper 30s, we have, in true "Millennial" fashion, made it a point to film most of it. Varg has collected most of that work here. But don't watch that stuff. It's mostly like the above but worse.

Anyway here's what this exercise has taught us.  Football can be broken down into 4 basic elements. Those elements are.

1) Wardrobe

Few spur-of-the-moment sandlot teams have been this well outfitted. Our numbers had glitter on them and yet were still more tasteful than whatever that neon green pants stripe thing the Seahawks wear is.
BEEFTANK. For the uninitiated, it is an homage to the hero of Jon Bois's award-worthy "Breaking Madden" series of SB Nation articles from this season. Here, become initiated in that if you have not.

In case you don't feel like reading through all the video game stuff, I have to at least pull BEEFTANK's personal bio from that article for you.
Born in 1937. Parents were a rhinoceros, a Sherman oak, a wheelbarrow full of graphite, a ray of light that shone through the clouds, a fulfilled prophecy, a buried time capsule full of set-and-baited mouse traps, and a real big ol' dude.

Was encouraged to play football at age 10, when he chanced upon a mannequin at the clothing store wearing a shirt with the words "FOOTBALL GAME" and a drawing of a football on the front. He talked to it for hours, and it never told him he was too round for this world or that he shouldn't eat the plastic bologna rings.

Played college football at DeVry, where he studied poetry. He finished with a GPA of reddish-gray.
Dislikes taking the subway, not because of any particular phobia, but because whenever the car stops and nobody gets off, he feels terrible for the train operator.

Refers to liquids in plural, i.e., a glass of milk is "a glass of some milks."


 2) Videography.

We engaged in an embarrassing amount of this.  Our work ran a gamut of themed promos, individual interviews, practice highlights, and this one Louisiana political conspiracy theory thing.

3) Pints

As in of draft beer consumed after practices and also after (as well as during) the game itself.

4) Something called "Hawt"

For the record, independent observers were unable confirm if there was any Hawt on the field Sunday.

But surely there must have been something out there lending an edge. Maybe it was the oysters.

Oysters at Stupor Bowl Sunday

Whatever it was it enabled the Vibrios to pull off a fairly impressive 42-21 win over the Jimmy Graham Crackers and hoist the first ever Stupor Bowl trophy.

Stupor Bowl Trophy

Ironically no video exists of the actual game itself.  At least not any that I shot.  I did manage to put together some footage of things going on just before and after the game and set that to somewhat appropriate music.

Presently it is the intention of the Hungover Football League to continue accepting challengers so long as the weather stays nice and people still want to play.  Anything beyond that will depend on how big the TV contract is next year.

1 comment:

Varg said...

I always loved that Kip had no real response to Napoleon's critique of the video's actual quality. He simply pointed out that there was no way to quantify how bad the quality actually was.