Thursday, August 01, 2013

Real fun is no one's monopoly*

I posted a version of this travel guide to the "new" downtown New Orleans amusement area on a parallel internet earlier this week.  Figured it might look better with some links and photos and whatnot. 

When visiting NOLA Disney, begin your day in Bensonville. (Brought to you by Mercedes-Benz) Have a $9 domestic lager and toast the totally generic and absolutely not a Falcon punter statue as you make your way over to Champions Square (Brought to you by Mercedes-Benz). For maximum enjoyment, please observe the code of conduct.

Prohibited items

The Square and its surrounding blocks are state-financed facilities dedicated to celebrating and supporting the wealth of sports entertainment billionaire Tom Benson
Four years ago, he negotiated one of the most complex — and lucrative — stadium lease agreements in the NFL, adding to his fortune as his team was bringing in estimated yearly profits of $31 million. Over 15 years, the term of the lease, the state will pay Benson at least $198 million in increased revenue from the Superdome, $142 million in rental payments on property Benson owns, $10 million in bonuses for bringing the Super Bowl to New Orleans and $2.6 million in tax breaks. Benson will get another $40 million from private rent payments to a tower he bought as part of the deal.
Benson Tower looms over Bensonville... well, the part that isn't loomed over by the Mercedes-Benz Superdome (brought to you by Mercedes-Benz!) anyway.  Tours are currently not available.

Benson Tower

Continue on into Opryland (brought to you by Opryland) where you might stop in at any of several Jazz History (coming soon! maybe) and/or Nearly Naked Breast themed restaurants for a quick lunch. If plans go well, we're hoping to offer accommodations at the "Old French Opry House Hotel" on the site of the soon to be decommissioned City Hall.

Next, catch a ride on our newest public transit investment; a streetcar connecting these touristed areas to the Convention Center. (Hang on! You're moving at the speed of leisure!)

Loyola Streetcar

Out the window to your right, you may be lucky enough to catch a glimpse of the Landrieuville Parking Plantation where one of the city's most prominent families has been growing money for decades!


After your meetings, join the other conventioneers for a short monorail trip to Iconic Structure Park and see a "Mini Mardi Gras Parade" (There's one every night!) Be sure and have you picture taken with one of our trademarked costumed characters. (Also available for birthday parties and store openings!)  From there you can finish the day by viewing the sunset over the Mississippi River comfortably seated along its banks where no ferries will ever depart from ever again.

Fun? Consider living with us here.. for at least part of the year anyway. More and more valuable timeshare properties are becoming available in picturesque historic districts every day! Consult your realtor... or maybe Joel Kotkin who we've come to understand is in town.



SD said...

That's hilarious!

Gabriel Pinto said...

Great post. You forgot to include the HOP-ON HOP-OFF bus that tours around the city... I'll have to add that on my own personal tour of this dangerously lovely city.