Abomination Beefy Mac Po Boys:
The idea here was to combine two techniques that have worked quite well for us in the past the first being these mini-roast beef po-boys we like to make during Mardi Gras parades and the second being our well-established penchant for putting stuff into baked macaroni. The result wasn't as horrifyingly awful as it may sound, although it was probably even less healthy. Here's what happened.
It starts with a trip to the local Rouses where we pick up two shoulder steaks from the shitty-meat-you-can-pretty-much-just-have-for-free section.
That gets chopped up and seasoned with salt, pepper, cayenne, a little smoked paprika, and oregano then browned in vegetable oil.
Into the steak drippings goes this onion, celery, bell pepper, and garlic with more salt and pepper and such.
Let that cook down really well. Next you'll want to add some butter so you can start to build the cheese sauce. We happened to be tweeting this process and thought we'd shock the Paula Deen out of everybody if we threw in this whole stick.
Har har, sure. But in hindsight, this was probably a mistake. Given the amount of fat already in the pot from the steak, this could probably be halved at least.
Anyway, it gets thickened with flour. We never measure anything exactly. Just eyeball it until it looks about ready to take the heavy cream. As the sauce comes together, it also gets a nice dose of Worcestershire sauce, Crystal hot sauce, and grated Parmesan. You should end up with something that has this kind of consistency.
After this it's just a matter of adding grated cheddar until it's orange enough for you. We also added canned tomatoes at this point but we think that ended up loosening our sauce too much. If we were to attempt this again, we'd add the tomatoes earlier and cook more of the water out of them before we add the butter and flour. Oh also we had all this fresh thyme on hand which we think helped matters greatly.
Once the sauce is built, all the meat goes back in along with a cup or so of cooked elbow macaroni and the whole pot bakes at 350 for.. let's say 45 minutes. When it came out it was actually very pretty.
And it tasted good too. Really, it did. We helped ourselves to a sample while we carved pumpkins that night but put the rest of it in the fridge overnight to be reheated before kickoff.
And that was another big mistake although a difficult one to avoid. There just wasn't time to do this Sunday morning so we had to prepare everything the night before. But these cheese sauces almost always break down when reheated and this was no exception. It didn't taste any worse but the cheese-flavored grease soup we spooned onto these pistollettes wasn't quite what we had in mind when we started this project. Here's a not-too-unattractive photo of the final product where we see Biscuit looking on with suspicion... as well he should.
Given the results both on and off the field (not to mention in the digestive tract) we won't be trying that again any time soon. But we don't regret going after it anyway. The next time we attack a Beefy Mac we'll do so with more realistic expectations.
Likewise, Saints fans are adjusting their expectations halfway through the season as we come to face the fact that the team we're watching, while probably as good as any other we've seen play during the Sean Payton era, still isn't quite what we thought we were going to see when the season began.
- What we thought when the season began Remember back how that was? Many among us were erupting in unseemly spasms of #HOLYFUCKINGSHIT #WEGOTTHIS The Saints were going to field the best goddamned defense we'd seen in decades, they had healthy running backs, the quarterback was pretty okay, and they had the best "Dream Punter of Tomorrow" in the universe. What could go wrong? We had no idea. Rather, we had some inkling but we chose to ignore that inkling anyway.
- What's gone wrong since then
That O-line difficulty we cited has become an all-out disaster. In early August, we thought John Stinchcomb was finally healthy enough to play right tackle again. Turned out that wasn't the case. Then we thought Zach Strief would have to sacrifice his next opportunity to drop a touchdown pass for the greater good of the team. But it wasn't long before we were just hoping Charles Brown wouldn't be as awful as the Charles Brown we watched during the pre-season. And then, finally, it turned out that he was that awful just before it turned out that he wasn't around anymore either which meant that we got to see just how much worse Pat "Beefy" McQuistan was than that. Now we're kind of hoping that Streif is healthy enough to do it. Given the Saints' long history of lying about their injuries (note Sean Payton's hypocrisy in such matters) we have no way of knowing if that's true.
Meanwhile Jahri Evans is still holding (although he claims to be held), Carl Nicks is fighting with the coaches, Jermon Bushrod is still Jermon Bushrod, and some dude named Brian De La Puente is the center which probably won't change since it's clear no one is ever going to FREE MATT TENNANT. Last week we saw an ad where Raisn' Canes claimed it was the "Official Chicken of the New Orleans Saints" which was weird since we thought Olin Kreutz was pretty much a lock.
So that's a mess. And when you've got a mess up front, it doesn't matter what kind of nickname you give your running backs, Tank, Frenchy, Dig Dug, Ironbutt, whatever, they're all gonna look like shit. Except Jed Collins, of course. Jed Collins is a fucking touchdown machine.
It also doesn't help your quarterback. This is the second year in row where Drew Brees has been at or near the top of the NFL in interceptions thrown. But the crazy number is the 19 times he's been sacked after 8 games. In all of 2008, which is arguably Brees' statistical best as a Saint, he was sacked a total of 13 times.
But beyond all that, the Saints' offense looks strangely lethargic and unimaginative overall. We understand they can't run the ball for shit. But even when they set up in their vaunted spread offense with their various "weapons" all over the field, defenses, who should be having shit fits over whether to worry about Colston or Moore or Meach or Devery or JED FUCKING COLLINS, are starting to catch on to the fact that Brees is fixated on forcing the ball to Jimmy Graham or checking down to Darren Sproles on nearly every play. It could very well be that Brees is more predictable when he's panicked by the pass rush. It could also be that the Saints are out of ideas on offense despite their wealth of talent. At least that's often what it looks like.
Meanwhile we can't help but notice that the lame defensive play is pretty much an ingrained part of the program now. At the beginning of the season we could barely contain our excitement over what we were certain would be Gregg Willaims' masterpiece. Shaun Rogers, Abrayou Franklin, Cam Jordan, Jonathan Casillas, and Junior Gallette were all supposed to bring something like premium talent and athleticism to a defense that had relied in previous years on cleverness and maybe a little luck. But we're finding out now that all those guys are pretty much just, you know, some guys. We're learning the Saints are as prone to getting pushed around up front as ever.
They're also just as likely to have their gambling scheme badly exploited as they ever were. One trend we've spotted is a tendency to give up back breaking plays in third and long situations. This looks to us like the opponent is usually a step ahead of Gregg Williams. How many head coaching vacancies will Williams be mentioned in association with this year? Maybe he should have cashed in on that market last year.
- Would it help if we broke the coach's leg?
Glad you asked. We are currently embarked on just such an experiment. When Jimmy Graham rolled onto Sean Payton's leg he not only locked down the Jordan Jefferson Try Not To Kick Anybody In The Face Award for the entire first half of the season, he also gave us a chance to discover whether or not the problems with the offense we described above were Payton's fault.
The results are inconclusive. We're guessing Brees ran the offense during the latter stages of the Tampa game. That didn't work so well. When the Colts limped into the Superdome, the Saints took them apart with Pete Carmichael calling the plays. We were a bit hopeful after this because it looked to us like the Saints, under Carmichael, were spreading the ball around better than they had been. But really the Saints did everything better in that game. The Colts were barely trying anyway and haven't been practically all season so it's hard to count that game for anything beyond gauging the efficacy of orthodox Beefy Mac. Because the Saints then went on to so badly shit the bed in St. Louis, we have to conclude that the problem is not necessarily Payton. Or at least nothing will be fixed by locking him in a box where he has nothing to do but eat hot dogs with Kenny Chesney. - Major Dome Complaint of the First Half
We've already been through the whole Benz business. It sucks but it's done. What we're concerned about now is this. The NFL has asked security personnel to start using metal detecting wands at all stadiums beginning November 20. By this point we know all they're after is our damn flask. Luckily we are equipped with a plastic "pouch" that should get us through okay but it's not as conveniently stowed. Anyway the insults just keep piling on at the Dome. - Major Non-Dome Football Viewing Venue Complaint of the First Half
We've made a semi-regular habit of catching the away games at Tracey's. It's a ten minute walk from home, which is great when the weather is as nice. It can be crowded but if you get there early enough you can #occupy a table. Also the food is good.
On the other hand, we can't help but notice the unseemly diversity of fan loyalties permeating the joint. Tracey's has one of those NFL Sunday Ticket deals which is good because we can watch all the games there. But it's also disturbing because it brings to light the rather sad fact that in a non-touristy neighborhood bar in New Orleans one will find hard-core fans of the 49ers, Lions, Bills, and several other random teams no real New Orleanian has any business bothering about. We suppose this is just a sign of the times in the "New" New Orleans. We suppose the guys screaming about the Eagles game while we're trying to watch the Saints are the just part of the "brain gain" "creative" "entrepreneurial" transplant class who the papers keep telling us are here to show us all how to be better people. Remind us to bring a weapon next time. - Midseason Indexes
"It's Been Fun Index"
Perhaps the worst thing about last week's football was Reggie Bush had a halfway decent showing. He went over a hundred yards rushing thanks to a couple of highlight long-ish runs. He didn't fumble. Here are his season stats.
75 carries 335 yards, 21 receptions 114 yards, 5 punt returns 44 yards, 3 fumbles (1 lost), That's 493 all purpose yards and 1 touchdown
His replacement on the Saints roster, Darren Sproles, has been less and less impactful with each week but still leads the NFL in total yards. Here are his numbers.
45 carries 305 yards, 51 receptions 389 yards, 15 punt returns 140 yards, 19 kick returns 497 yards. 13331 total yards and 5 touchdowns.
We're glad we have Sproles on our team and not Bush this year. But we're also coming to realize it really doesn't matter all that much in the larger picture. We're just not sure the offense would look any different with one or the other in there. Bush would be less productive but the Saints would get yards in other ways.
"Diners and Drive ins... whatever, the damn Poochie thing index"
Goddammit this was the worst week ever. Shockey finally scored a touchdown. He has one now. That's one more than Charles Brown scored this year. Pat McQuistan, you're up. - Dumbest nickname fans have come up with for Thomas Morstead so far
We thought this whole ugly business was over when Morstead disappointed everyone by accepting the moniker "The leg" in a series of non #spon-sored tweets earlier this year. But it has recently been brought to our attention that someone has been selling "Legatron" T-shirts somewhere in the Quarter. Will it ever stop? Who knows?
Whatever crap name you call him, Morstead's actual performance on the field hasn't been nearly so lame. Morstead is currently 2nd in the NFC in average yards per punt as well as net yards per punt. He's become very good at directional punts and at using the sideline to minimize return opportunities. He doesn't punt very often (his 24 attempts are 28th overall) but has managed to drop a respectable 5 of those inside the 20. And of course, he's demonstrated an ability to boom the ball 50 or 60 yards when called upon to do that. If anyone on this team deserves Pro-Bowl consideration this year, it's Thomas Morstead. - Well this is all very depressing. Tell us something good about this football season
Well by the time anybody reads this, they will probably have already watched The Greatest Game Ever Played In The History Of College Football. There isn't much we can say about LSU-Alabama that hasn't been said already although we can direct you to our favorite passage from this ESPN article about Les Miles.The first thing you notice following around Les Miles is his odd sense of humor. He's quick. He's goofy. He takes as good as he gives, playing along with a reporter's gag about his wife, Kathy, taking all his money and running off with a yoga instructor. It's often hard to tell who's the adult and who's the kid. "You don't see too many head coaches at this level," says his lifelong friend John Wangler, "standing in line to go down the Slip 'n Slide."
Sitting on his couch at home last week, Miles recounted just one of the endless Les Being Les stories. When he was an assistant coach at Michigan, a friend got him an all-access pass to an NBA Finals game in Detroit. He wandered the belly of the arena and found himself in Chuck Daly's press conference. Well, Miles couldn't just sit there. He asked a question, evidently a tough one, because Daly glared at the back of the room and asked what newspaper he was from. Miles sort of gulped, as he remembered, thought for a moment, and came out with the name of the campus student paper. "The Michigan Daily," he said, before being hustled out of the room by his friend.
This is as fine a time as any for us to admit that we've finally come around to getting on the Les Miles bus. We've been exceptionally critical of Miles in the past, we know, but people can change their minds about things. Our reasons for doing so are several and go beyond just wins and losses.
For one thing, we're much happier with the way LSU's offense operates now that Gary Crowton doesn't call the plays. Earlier this season we noted that LSU was actually being innovative by attacking defenses accustomed to seeing the spread with a pounding I-formation running game. Miles took football back to 1983 and nobody was ready for it. One compelling aspect of this weekend's game is Alabama has kind of quietly done something similar. We are rarely treated to a match-up between competing successful grind-it-out offenses in today's football. In any event, LSU has been fun to watch all year and we have Les Miles to thank for that.
In addition, we appreciate the way Miles has handled his team's multiple off the field disciplinary issues. Miles imposed suspensions on Russell Shepherd, Tharold Simon, Tyrann Mathieu, and Spencer Ware when mandated by school or NCAA rules. He held Jordan Jefferson back out of prudence and really out of concern for Jefferson, it seems. But Miles didn't behave in the condescending and pompous manner we would expect many coaches to in those situations. He didn't make loud or angry statements about them in public. He didn't "set an example" by booting any of them off the team. Instead, he maintained his and the school's commitment to the young men as they faced the consequences of their mistakes and welcomed them back to the team without embarrassing them. That kind of calm compassion is what we like to see in people who are trusted with leadership positions. It's a rare thing.
Also since it was reported that Mathieu et al were suspended for using a "synthetic marijuana", we learned that there is one particular brand of that available called, we are not making this up, "Mad Hatter." And that's just about the most perfect thing we've learned all year.
Finally, there's that story we quoted above about infiltrating the Chuck Daly press conference which seals it for us. We are on the Les team now. Deal with it, world.
We're going to quote a post we wrote on September 7 but cannot link to because there's some flaw in our stupid antiquated blog's archives that we can't understand. It should be here but, for some reason, it isn't. Anyway here's what we wrote.
First off, I think I'm going to be sneaking a lot more liquor into the dome this year given these ridiculous beer prices. Also I think it's awfully strange that the Saints appear to be penciling Junior Gallette in at back up free safety and defensive end at the same time. Also I think he's starting at one or both outside linebacker positions. Seriously, at the beginning of this camp I was walking around telling people this could be the best Saints defense in maybe 20 years. One day before the season starts, I'm wondering if they even know who's on the roster.
Meanwhile it's easy to get excited about the running backs. Provided the Saints don't burn through seven of them in the first three weeks of the season, that should be fun. At the same time it's difficult to get excited about the offensive line (see this Moosedenied post) where we think Junior Gallette is asking to get some snaps in at right tackle, you know, just to see.
So questionable defense plus O-line difficulty. Factor in a few sports hernias,carry the twosorry... wait.. don't carry the 2 (see kicker discussion above) Burn the 2. Drop the 2 in the marsh fire from a helicopter just to be sure. Remember that professional football is actually very difficult to play let alone predict and all that comes out to....
Well we think the Saints are a good team but we're just not sure what that means anymore. Practically everyone is a pretty good team...well that is except the "Dream Team" Eagles who we're expecting about 5 wins from this season. Maybe the Saints will do better than that. Anyway, you'll recall that they've already got one of those big silver football trophies parked in a case so none of this actually matters anymore. Let's pick a win total at random. 6. Okay but I don't like that number. Add 5 to it. Happy?
Holy mush-brained hedging! Re-reading that now, it's obvious that by the end of the pre-season we were already starting to get a little less #iamnotworried about matters but couldn't bring ourselves to admit it out loud. We knew we wanted to call this an 11 win season but were already too discouraged to say that without being all weird and mathy about it. At mid-season, the Saints are on pace to win 10. On the one hand, that means we actually weren't too far off with our call. On the other hand, it turns out our nervous doubts about things were warranted after all.
As for the Saints, well, despite much of what we just wrote, it doesn't have to be all gloom and doom for the rest of the year. After all, they are 5-3 with two games against Tampa and Atlanta coming up which could get everyone excited again real quicklike if they go well. At the midway point of the season, we think we know this Saints team and what we know is that they're only just so good. But that doesn't mean only just so good can't do some entertaining things for us before the year is out.
Think of this season as a tasty but flawed and re-heated pot of Beefy Mac. We could get all pissed at our broken sauce. We could throw the leftovers in a paper bag and light it on fire on Charles Brown's doorstep Halloween night. And yeah that sounds like fun for a minute, but we don't think it's such a great idea to just give up on the dish so quickly.
Instead, we say throw some Joe Horn BBQ sauce on that shit and get back in the game.
The year of the Beefy Mac may not be what we thought it was but that's all behind us. Time to let it go and embrace the guilty pleasures of our weird imperfections. It's officially Beefy McRib season now.
