Why did Frankenstein cross the road?

He didn't. That was the chicken.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from Frankenstein. Ha! ha!

Do ghosts have steady jobs?

No, they have to eek out a living. Ha!

What's a monster's favorite bedtime story?

"Sleeping Ugly" Ha!

Why does Dracula wear a cape?

His Hawaiian shirt is at the cleaners. Ha!

Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

To stop his coffin. Ha!

What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?

It's a pain in the neck. Ha!

Throw 'em out Tuesday

The cheating bastards.

Nevada: Dan Burdish, former director of the state's Republican Party, filed a complaint to remove 17,000 voters from the rolls because they had failed to file a change of address card. State law doesn't require it and, in fact, allows you to vote after moving. When asked why he did it Burdish told the press, "I am looking to take Democrats off the voter rolls."

Florida: Senior citizens in Democratic precincts are calling their election boards by the hundreds reporting that strangers claiming to be from the elections office are offering to "hand deliver" their absentee ballots for them, even though there is no such program.

Wyoming: Secretary of State Joseph Meyer interpreted the statutes there to outlaw voter registration drives, like the kind where a group sets up a card table at a mall or library. One of Meyer's oldest friends, a classmate in both high school and college, is Dick Cheney.

Philadelphia: Three weeks before the election, a white Republican alderman named Matt Robb requested that 63 polling stations in African American neighborhoods be relocated, thereby making it more confusing for 37,000 Democrat leaning voters.

Florida: Once again, as in the 2000 election, the state compiled a list of felons to be barred from voting. Throughout this election year, Governor Jeb Bush's administration struggled to keep this list secret. After a lawsuit forced it into the open, people quickly saw that, while some 23,000 Democrat leaning black felons were barred from voting, almost the same number of hispanic felons in Florida, who tend to vote Republican, were somehow not on the list.

Ohio: Secretary of State Ken Blackwell has ruled that anyone showing up in the wrong precinct will not be able to vote there, even by provisional ballot. Immediately afterward, people begain to report odd phone calls telling voters that their voting place had changed, sending them to the wrong precinct.

Arizona: Students at Arizona State University were told by a reporter at Fox News and the Republican county vote registrar that registering students was a federal crime unless students planned to stay in Arizona "indefinitely" after graduation. The Supreme Court of the United States long ago ruled otherwise.

link
via Atrios

Throw 'em out Tuesday

Bunch of incompetent failures.

Throw 'em out Tuesday

Bunch of rotten thieves.

WASHINGTON — U.S. Army Corps of Engineers commanders awarded a lucrative contract extension to Halliburton Co. this month by circumventing the organization's top contracting officer, who had objected to the proposal, according to documents obtained by the Los Angeles Times.

Bunnatine Greenhouse, the Corps of Engineers' chief contracting officer, questioned a decision by commanders to award a contract extension to Halliburton, the oil services company run by Dick Cheney until he became vice president, without the competitive bidding designed to protect U.S. taxpayers.

link
via cursor

Throw 'em out Tuesday

Bunch of creepy fascists.

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla.—"I want you to stand, raise your right hands," and recite "the Bush Pledge," said Florida state Sen. Ken Pruitt. The assembled mass of about 2,000 in this Treasure Coast town about an hour north of West Palm Beach dutifully rose, arms aloft, and repeated after Pruitt: "I care about freedom and liberty. I care about my family. I care about my country. Because I care, I promise to work hard to re-elect, re-elect George W. Bush as president of the United States."

link

1918 2004!!

Really, guys, I... I don't know what to think. Surprisingly, emotions are mixed. To begin with, I wasn't too sure about getting out of bed at all this morning. If there was a world left to step into, surely a world in which the Boston Red Sox are World Champions is liable to be filled with strange new conventions. What if everyone was suddenly driving on the left side, or the official language turned out to be Esperanto, or the landlord actually fixed my ceiling? I don't think I could deal.
Luckily none of these things happened. Still the Sox did win. And I don't know what it means. It might mean it will be fun to hear the new "Year 2000" taunt the next time the Yankees come to Fenway. It might mean that now that we have shown one way to break a curse is to break some kid's teeth, is any smile safe in Chicago? In New Orleans? It might mean that Red Sox fans and players past and present are relieved of a special burden that had come to define their existence begging the question, who exactly are we now? One thing it does mean for certain is change. As a personal principle I absolutely loathe change. Perhaps this is why I am so apprehensive. Let's try and enjoy it.. and hope that that other shoe is not still suspended threateningly over our unsuspecting heads.

Those basking in the warm glow of the apocalypse today:

• Boston Globe's Dan Shaughnessy


• ESPN's Bill Simmons


• Aaron


• Erica


• Rudolph

We Conjure Ghosts and then We Feed Them

And if it all goes well we'll laugh a lot.
And then take photographs.

That's right. Here they are, kids, real library action photos from this morning's Halloween party. We got a hold of some preschoolers, we bored the hell out of them took their picture and stuffed them full of cookies. Really just an excuse for me to break out the seasonally festive neckwear. It's our job. It's what we do. (Click photos to enlarge... if you must)

After putting up with Daisy's presentation of Go Away Big Green Monster! the poor kids and I brandish our lollipop ghosts and cry for release from the bland horror that is this morning's Halloween party. 

Hapless captive audience endures a session of soul crushing condescension at the hands of Ms Daisy and Yours Truly.  

Good Morning, World.

Here's what's going on:

• Sox are up 3-0 and Menino is already planning a freaking parade. Lord have mercy on us.



• Wimblehack Round 4 is up now. Go. Read.



• Irene is rapturously recapping last night's episode of According to Jim much to everyone's delight.



• Today I have to plan a Halloween party for approximately 40 children which is to take place tomorrow. The powers that be have granted me $72.00 for this purpose. (NOPL unofficial motto: on the cheap and at the last minute.) Actually it should be fine. We had the same situation last year and pulled it off quite nicely.



• October 27 and it's still damn hot outside. It's driving me nuts.

Just kill me

Why do they feel like they can just keep lowering the bar? Well because the assholes keep bending over backwards to eat their shit up that's why.
Way to go, guys. You never fail to amaze.

It just gets stupider and stupider

Don't look now but we may now have the "Love Story" story of the 2004 campaign.

Was Kerry there to see the Buckner Ball?

The world awaits the truth.

Ever feel like someone pushed the repeat button on your life?

Yesterday, the ceiling collapsed again and this morning, I found that my car had been broken into again. It's a Tercel, people... and I work at the freaking library! I could not possibly have anything in there of value. Also, you are welcome to the three bucks worth of ashtray change, but did you have to take the whole ashtay? Jeeez!

T-P cops out

Yesterday's Picayune carried this statement of non-preference in the Presidential race. I like Oyster's take except that it gives the T-P editors a little too much credit for free thinking. I'm more inclined to believe that this is a slick way of backing Bush while maintaining the appearance of credibility... not that I ever granted them much.

Monday Morning Sports Page

Real quick-like.

Whatever happens, the 2004 Red Sox are one of the guttiest, most fun teams in baseball history. For the second time in a week, Curt Schilling had his severed right foot reattatched with rubber bands and chewing gum and went out and won a big game. That's just nuts. Um... don't throw stuff at me for saying so but the '86 team won the first two games as well....

Whooo this was a close one. Questions: The Tigers couldn't run the ball against Troy St. What the hell? Couldn't Troy St. come up with a less boring nickname than the "Trojans"? And with the World Series on, did anybody care about this game?

Finally, look a really bad football team beat a really really bad football team! This excitement, of course, brought to you in part by our favorite literacy advocate.

Bike Routes on the Ballot

Some sort of election thingy happening Nov 2. Who knew? The Picayune this morning has a nice bit on a $260 million bond proposal before New Orleans voters for a large scale capital improvements program. Included in the plan is $4 million for designing and marking new bicycle routes throughout the city. Anyone who lives and works in New Orleans can see the utility of such a project. As the article points out, nearly 30 percent of New Orleans residents do not own cars and rely on either our rather poor public transit system or their own two feet for their commute. New Orleans is a fairly compact urban center with limited downtown parking which makes bicycling an attractive transportation alternative for many residents. When I worked in the French Quarter, my bike was my best friend. Even now, it is my preferred way about town on weekends. Unfortunately, as this Gambit article points out, the city's traffic plan and its um.. eccentric... drivers are less than hospitable to cyclists. The projects in this bond issue are a nice step toward rectifying some of these issues.
I should also point out that while acknowledging the necessity of many of the improvements laid out in this program, the Bureau of Governmental Research has raised questions about the structure of the bond issue which you can read about here. Also details of the allocation of these funds (a part of which are set aside for libraries, I should mention) are available in PDF form from the city's website.

Damn ceiling caved in again

Always on Sundays, it seems. I hate everything.

It's a GSUSy weekend

This weekend I finally got around to finishing Christopher Moore’s Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal. Not surprisingly it put me in the mood to complete the theme by renting Monty Python’s Life of Brian. The novel and the film carry a number of similarities. While the objective of each is obviously silliness, neither is without a certain degree of reverence for and nuanced understanding of the weight of human events which they chronicle.
Levi who is called Biff, lifelong friend, bodyguard and disciple to Jesus of Nazareth (whose Hebrew name translates closer to Joshua as Moore refers to him in the novel), has been raised from the dead by the Angel Raziel and brought to a hotel room in St. Louis, MO where he is to write his version of Christ’s time on Earth. Due to certain transgressions of his, Biff’s story had been written out of the established Gospels. His side of things conveniently helps to fill us in on the lost years of Jesus’ childhood and early adult years during which Biff and Joshua travel the known world in search of the three wise men who they believe will help a somewhat unsure Messiah learn the true meaning of his destiny. The journey takes the pair to Afghanistan, China, and to India. Along the way they study Yoga, Zen, and Kung-Fu, as well as befriend a Yeti. The boys eventually return to Judea and begin Joshua’s ministry. This story is familiar enough, but without Biff’s help we may not have known as much about John’s homosexuality or Thomas’s imaginary friend, or Biff and Joshua’s rivalry for the affections of Mary Magdalene. Moore’s style owes much to the aforementioned Pythons as well as to Doulglas Adams. His absurdist humor works best in his rendering of dialogue. Particular highlights that come to mind are Biff’s speculation about a possible eleventh commandment as well as the scene in which Joshua and Biff are collaborating over the beatitudes and Biff has to talk Josh out of including a “Blessed are the dumbfucks, for they shall receive a fruit basket.” While these moments are put the book down and laugh for twenty minutes funny, the gags don’t come as fast or as often as in, for example, Adams’ work. Also, there are bits that, although they seem like good ideas really just don’t work. I’m thinking of an homage to the movie Harvey (great movie by the way) which, while I can see why Moore wanted it, I can also see why an editor should have talked him out of it.
Not only does Moore channel a certain sensibility from the Pythons, he also borrows a couple of their gags. In Lamb, as well as in Brian, recently healed lame, blind, or leprous beggars complain that these miracles have deprived them of their livelihood. Also the film, like the novel, has a bit of fun with the Sermon on the Mount. “Oh he said the Meek! Blessed are the meek. That’s nice, good to see they’re finally getting something.” Life of Brian also includes some of the best satire on political factionalism ever produced as the revolutionary People’s Front of Judea seems more preoccupied with their resentment of the rival group the Judean People’s Front than they are with the ousting the Romans from Judea. Silliness is also in abundant evidence here what with Pilate’s speech impediment, the miracle of the juniper bushes, and a scene in which Brian angers a centurion, not because of the anti roman nature of the graffiti he had been caught painting but because he has failed to properly conjugate his Latin verbs. That and, of course, the closing musical number is one of the great moments in the history of cinema.
But that’s quite enough of me droning on isn’t it? If you’d like to learn more about Christianity, and some of you may have to once the Series is over, neither of these is particularly.. um.. instructive. Then again, you sure do learn a lot more than you do from Passion of the Christ.

Note, strictly for Daisy’s benefit: I was overjoyed to find that Lamb included not only a reference to carnuba wax, but also speculation upon the possibility of pluralizing the word mongoose as “mongeese,” Nutty, huh?

Me and my 9/10 mentality

It's time to stretch in NLCS Game 7 and all I can think is, "Take me out to the Ball Game" was such a great song. Remember that one? Can we bring it back please? Someone tell Kerry that I'd even be willing to keep the stupid color coded alert system if it means he'll promise to bring back "Take me out to the Ball Game." I'm actually begging here.

Ok so...

Some genuinely concerned, if misguided, Brits who happen to read a slightly left of center newspaper take it upon themselves to share their concerns with voters in Ohio and it is an outrage. Meanwhile, the President picks up the endorsement of a former KGB hitman turned strongman mafia boss dictator of Russia and another one from a member of the "Axis of Evil" and that's all fine and dandy right? Right?

Fun Stuff

Site of the day: New CNN game. Pick the states, win a TV.

Sight of the day: This fool. Pretty much says it.

Site of the day

Via atrios, which means you have seen it already.

Enjoy the Draft

Go Sox

Just cuz

Fellow Employee Associate Contemporaries

So far today, my fellow staff members whose job descriptions, paychecks, and work experience vary very little from mine have asked me to intercede for them with patrons who wished to:

• Save a file to a disk



• Rename a saved file in Windows



• Print a document

Friendly Reminder

For those of you who still have not seen this. If you are a political junkie, a news hound, or just a fan of really really mean criticism you are going to love Wimblehack, the absolute highlight of the campaign season. Round 3 here.

I am too geeked up today to think about anything

Anything besides Game 7. A couple of weeks ago, a patron donated a huge box full of baseball cards to the library. (People give us weird stuff all the time.) If Boston wins tonight, I'm going to use them to create a giant Sox shrine on the bulletin board in the children's room. We are open until 8 PM today, and I am on the closing shift which means I have to miss.. well about half an inning in AL time but that's bad enough. A few quick things about last night:

• Yankee fans, something is wrong with you. Sure two big calls went against you, but they were the correct calls. You have no beef. Please stop throwing things at us.


• Interesting to learn that NYPD was ready to go with a full riot squad last night. You don't know how much I was hoping for one of the stormtroopers to interfere with a ball in play. That would have been fun.


• Just look at this.

  With the help of the Boston team doctors, Schilling underwent a unique suturing process on Monday in which the skin around the dislocated tendon was cut and stitched tighter.
  
  Schilling eschewed any thoughts of using a specially-designed shoe, claiming it made the situation worse. The doctors brainstormed and came up with the makeshift surgery, not knowing how their man would respond, and Schilling took the Yankee Stadium hill with his regular cleats.
  
  Schilling strode to the mound in the middle of cold October drizzle, with wind howling and 55,000 fans sharing their special Bronx version of disapproval at particularly high decibels.
  
  His sutured ankle bled slightly, tinting his sock red as he threw the first pitch to Derek Jeter. But he retired Jeter and went on to pitch one of the best games of his career.

  I really hope I'm the first to point this out (somehow I doubt it though) but the man actually had red sox. I'm just sayin'.


• Fox graphic about Red Sox World Series history prompts the following actual conversation:
  
  Consuela: Oh so they've been in the World Series before.
  
  Me: Yes but they haven't won since 1918 and they always lose in horrible awful heartbreaking ways and..
  
  Consuela: But I thought this was supposed to be a big deal. But they really aren't that bad. They've made it to the World Series. Why is this important?
  
  Me: Well... um .. it's the Yankees and they are evil and they always beat us in horrible ways and crush dreams and eat babies and stuff.
  
  Consuela: But they have beaten them. They've been in the World Series.
  
  Me: Well.. no it's... This is important ok?
  
  Consuela: Whatever

So here we go. After coming back from 0-3 the Sox have found another way to set us up for a perfect heartache. The universe is back in balance. I can hardly look.

Tuesday Afternoon Sports Page

• Ortiz !
  The Sox are not going out like punks! No no that wouldn't be right for their idiom. They must fuck up more.... dramatically. Last night's game was so long that even though I was forced to leave the house in the 10th inning in order to accompany Daisy to Auto Zone, I still managed to be in front of a TV in time to see the end. After back to back extra inning games, the pitching staff is totally demolished. We're praying for rain tonight.


• Time to say it. The Saints are the worst team in the NFL. One more week to go until the bye. Will Tom Benson find time during his wedding to start firing people? Stay tuned.


• Quote of the week: Saints worthless safety, Tebucky Jones, is so convinced that his roughing the passer penalty which set up one of the Vikings many touchdowns Sunday night was a missed call that he is considering legal action if the league fines him. "Once you get that penalty, they'll fine you," he said. "If they do, I'm going to bring it to the courts. Not the NFL court, the higher courts."

Note: Once again, I was regretfully unable to attend Sunday's Saints home game.

Irene again

"When they put something into paperback, then I can't remember if I read it or not."

Library Follies

Day's highlights so far:

1) Daisy, for the second time now, commits a huge blogging no no and forgets to sign out of blogger before abandoning her work station. Hilarity ensues.

2) Ms. Bling Bling left her po-boy in the toaster oven a little too long prompting this absolutely not ironic comment from Irene, "You know they say that charcoal is good for cleaning out the stomach."

Really really bad ideas department

Well who didn't see this coming really? Oh that's right, I guess the Guardian editorial staff was that clueless.

LONDON, England (Reuters) -- A pro-Kerry letter-writing campaign by Britain's left-leaning Guardian newspaper, targeting undecided U.S. voters, has provoked outrage across the Atlantic.

Library Story of the Day

Comes from Daisy. This actually happened today. I know. I was there. This is an especially notable event because now I can say that during my tenure at NOPL, our patrons have both pissed and shat upon us. Literally.

Rebuilding Iraq

You see, it's an economic stimulus program that works like this. First, Shiite militants bring us their old guns for which we give them cash. Next, Shiite militants use the cash to buy newer, cleaner, more reliable guns. Thus inefficiencies are removed from the system and the economy is modernized.

Ok well one thing

Why does Pedro, whose previous lip flapping has brought down upon us this season's most annoying chant, now feel it necessary to give Yankee fans license to show up at Game 5 (should there be a Game 5) prepared to continue exhibiting their sad predictable obnoxiousness by hurling fruit onto the field?

Martinez, with 56,136 "Who's your Daddy?" taunting fans in his face, weathered the evening nicely. He also managed to keep the events of the night in perspective.

"I actually realized that I was somebody important, because I caught the attention of 60,000 people, plus [the media], plus the whole world watching," said Martinez. "If you reverse the time back 15 years ago, I was sitting under a mango tree without 50 cents to actually pay for a bus. And today, I was the center of attention of the whole city of New York."

Don't think it won't happen.

Freaking Yankees

Don't want to talk about it.

I've been looking for a short way of saying this

And here it is. I agree with Kos.

No more moderators. Let real people ask the questions.
This was billed as a debate on domestic issues. So where were the questions on:

Gas prices
Stem cell research
Energy policy
Transportation policy
Outsourcing
Environment

The second debate offered the best questions by far. That should be the norm.
Screw overpaid, self-important media blowhards.

Here's what I don't care about. 1) How much you fuckers love your fucking wives. 2) How much the moderator loves his fucking wife. 3) How much the President loves GSUS.

A few quick observations:

• Bush lies. Not only that but he lies stupidly about shit that is easily disproved.
• Kerry sucks at calling Bush on his lies. Here's a winning Kerry strategy. All he has to say is, "That's a croc of shit," press repeat and take the rest of the night off. Instead he drones on and emits mildly unoffensive utterances except for the parts where he says infuriating indefensible things like, "We need a guest worker program" or

  Outsourcing is going to happen.
  
  I've acknowledged that in union halls across the country. I've had shop stewards stand up and say, "Will you promise me you're going to stop all this outsourcing?"
  
  And I've looked them in the eye and I've said, "No, I can't do that."

But then again, he must know something I don't because it looks like the spin is, once again, going his way.

Setting the stage

For tonight's third and final Presidential debate, are today's and yesterday's Daily Howler installments on CBS's Bob Schieffer.

The person running tomorrow’s debate comes from Texas, just like Bush. In the past, he and Bush went to ball games together. He and Bush played golf together. He and Bush even took in spring training together! And not only that—his brother was Bush’s close business partner; later, Bush named him ambassador to Australia. And not only that—the moderator roots for people from his part of the country, and roots against those northeastern snobs! It’s hard to believe that a man as accomplished as Schieffer would say some of these silly things in public. But this is a partial profile of the “liberal journalist” who will be hosting Wednesday’s crucial debate.

Nice.

Wimblehack Round 2

If you haven't been following New York Press's championship tournament to determine America's worst campaign journalist, now's your chance to catch up on the action as we move to the round of eight.

Monday Evening Sports Page

It was another one of those horrific embarrassing episodes that press you into a search for the nearest inviting spot of sand in which to deposit your weathered weary head. Such crises are invariably followed by a quiet period of reckoning, usually, say, the following morning, where the once obscured glistening grains of hope begin to outshine the previous day's avalanche of horrors under the gentle light of sober reexamination. This was just like that. Umm.. except not because today it looks even worse than it did yesterday. I got up this morning all ready to write about how the Saints really played well enough to beat the previously winless Buccaneers yesterday, how one or two small breaks could have made the difference. But today, it seems that as I allow this to continue turning over in my mind the same two images keep turning up. One of these being a big fat tight end catching a 45 yard touchdown pass, which I think may qualify as a crime against nature. Nothing that large should be allowed to traverse that much green space unmolested. The other being a (non)defense giving up a ten yard run on a third and five and thus allowing the opposition to clinch a victory. I don't want to look back much past that because if I do I may catch a glimpse of literacy advocate Aaron Brooks making the correct "read" on a blitz play but reacting with a low throw and a drive killing interception. I also don't feel like looking too far ahead as that may reveal terrors yet unknown as the schedule begins to include teams who, unlike the Saints last two opponents, have actually won some games this season. What's worse is that Saints fans do not honestly have the option of giving up the ship yet. The sad fact remains that Carolina is 1-3, Tampa Bay is 1-4, and Atlanta is.. well Atlanta is Atlanta and that's enough to ensure that in addition to being burdened with yet another horrible team Saints fans will also be required to keep watching.

This is only different in magnitude from what the Red Sox are getting set to do to their fans this week. Is it not safe to say that we know by now? We know that some spectacular brand of doom waits to reveal itself. We see the New York Yankees waiting to fulfill their cosmically ordained role as the deliverers of said doom. We know, we see, but we still have to watch.

The final absurdity of the evening involves Friday’s round of political pugilism in which Kerry failed to deliver the knockout blow to a struggling Bush. Bush, who may have entered the ring bearing an illegal foreign object, who displayed poor form by letting slip an easily demonstrable lie, and who was once again off-puttinlgy angry and obstinate was nonetheless given an undeserved pass by the judges. You don’t think there is any evidence of bias on their part do you?

Note: Due to circumstances beyond my control, I was not in attendance at this week's Saints home game.

Dirty Tricks Central

Appears to be Josh Marshall's beat today. All items worth a look.

Busy this morning

I'm a little backed up here this morning. I'll try to squeeze in a few words later on last week's debate, the fact that God has once again chosen the Yankees as his vessel through which he will unleash yet another round of terrible vengeance upon Red Sox fans, and that awful Saints game which I did not attend. In the meantime, check it out. Women are better than men at playing video games while drunk.

The researchers gave 12 men and 12 women, all classed as "social drinkers" a set amount of alcohol each.

They then tested their ability to hit a button at the right time when a symbol flashed up.

Participants had to hit a green button when a green symbol flashed up. If a blue symbol appeared, they were told not to hit anything.

People became less able to prevent themselves hitting the green key when a blue symbol appeared the more drunk they became.

But the men's performance was around three times worse than the women's.

Times 'a changing

There has been a swell of speculation lately regarding the "death of the blog." I seem to remember declaring blogging "over" last year when I speculated that this is best indicated by the very fact that I keep one. If we can agree that this was an accurate interpretation of indicators, who can tell me what it could possibly mean that now Rudolph has started writing one as well? Actually you should read her because:

• She is a Red Sox fan.
• She is way way smarter than me.
• So are lots of people.

Irresponsible Rumormongering

Salon on Was Bush Wired?

Josh Marshall wondering why Bush postponed his physical? Was it because he's been "wired" or maybe eating pretzels again?

Happy Birthday, Mom

I really hope you aren't reading this.

NBA Players

Are such prima donnas that they almost afford T-P's John Deshazier an opportunity to display wit.

Can you conjure a sillier vision than the team's best player outside stretching on a mat on the concrete as if he's homeless? And is there a more lightweight cause than Davis' and Magloire's protest to invoke their NBA second amendment rights -- to bear personal trainers?

Almost.

Gaypetto

Me unable to type. Laughing too hard. Just click here.

Don't believe what you read

Recently there have been a number of questions raised about the methodology behind public opinion polls tracking the presidential race. One such dubious poll was conducted last night by me immediately following the VP debate and the results are posted below. At first glance, the results appear to indicate that an overwhelming 75% of "people I called" found John Edwards to be the winner. Unfortunately, the data here is flawed and needs to be revisited. For instance, this morning, the Lib Chron investigative bureau has learned that of these "people I called", only one of them, my Dad, was actually called by me. He reported to me the opinion of my mother, who had previously called him. Rudolph actually called me, and I only have one phone so I was unable to call myself. In light of this information, the results of our poll become more complicated. If we examine the results in terms of "people I called" who I actually did call, the results take a dramatic turn from 75% in favor of Edwards to 100% in favor of Cheney! That is quite a difference. But, now, consider the "people I called" who in fact called me, and the "people I called" who themselves called other people I actually called as well as the "people I called" who are, in fact, me and could not possibly have been reached by me via telephone. In each of these cases, Edwards' margin of victory increases from 75% to 100%. Truly remarkable.. but what does it mean?

It means Edwards won for the following reasons:

Cheney's excuse for being an international criminal and war profiteer was a lame attack on Edwards' attendance record in the Senate

The reason they keep trying to attack Halliburton is because they want to obscure their own record.

And Senator, frankly, you have a record in the Senate that's not very distinguished. You've missed 33 out of 36 meetings in the Judiciary Committee, almost 70 percent of the meetings of the Intelligence Committee.

You've missed a lot of key votes: on tax policy, on energy, on Medicare reform.

Your hometown newspaper has taken to calling you "Senator Gone." You've got one of the worst attendance records in the United States Senate.

Now, in my capacity as vice president, I am the president of Senate, the presiding officer. I'm up in the Senate most Tuesdays when they're in session.

The first time I ever met you was when you walked on the stage tonight.

Now not only is this weak, but it is also a lie. In addition, Edwards was completely ready for it.

I'm surprised to hear him talk about records. When he was one of 435 members of the United States House, he was one of 10 to vote against Head Start, one of four to vote against banning plastic weapons that can pass through metal detectors.

He voted against the Department of Education. He voted against funding for Meals on Wheels for seniors. He voted against a holiday for Martin Luther King. He voted against a resolution calling for the release of Nelson Mandela in South Africa.

It's amazing to hear him criticize either my record or John Kerry's.

I really felt the debate turned in Edwards' favor at that moment. Afterwards, Cheney continued to dig the hole.

• On AIDS among African American Women: " I was not aware that it was -- that they're in epidemic there" His answer was meant to be sympathetic, but it sounds bad to say it the way he did.
• Asked about overcoming partisanship in Washington, Cheney referenced Zell Miller's disastrous appearance at the RNC. Bad idea.
• Toward the end, Cheney kept putting his hands over his mouth and mumbling and scowling like the miserable fat fuck that he is.

These were my impressions. Dad thought that Cheney won the debate because he didn't do anything to unconvert the already converted Bush base, while Edwards appeared to be nervous and pandering. If Dad is right, and he may be, we may as well just call off the election now. But hey, the Red Sox won yesterday and I'm starting to believe in miracles again.

Instant poll of three people I called

Mom: Edwards won

Rudolph: Edwards

Dad: Cheney (Dad is cranky and despondent tonight)

Me: Edwards mopped the fucking floor with him

More tomorrow.. I'm tired.

Woo Hoo

In your face, fucknuts.
State court overturns hate amendment.

Already wrong once today

Cardinals 8 Dodgers 3

One more thing about last Thursday

Bush went on record with this:

The next four years we will continue to strengthen our homeland defenses. We will strengthen our intelligence-gathering services. We will reform our military. The military will be an all-volunteer army.

If Bush wins, I hope he remembers he said that. Today, David Hackworth is predicting he won't.

Oh the evil portents and the tempting of fate and whatnot

After this past weekend's serial debacles, the Lib Chron sports department is reeling and badly in need of redemption. Unfortunately the last hope of mankind at this hour happens to be the Boston Red Sox playing in October. Talk about a prelude to disaster. If you're not quite yet ready to have your hopes and dreams crushed, you may want to start with this ESPN.com piece in which Jayson Stark picks the Sox to win it all making this among other remarkable statements,

BECAUSE THIS IS A BETTER TEAM THAN THE 2003 RED SOX, A BETTER TEAM THAN THE 1999 RED SOX, EVEN A BETTER TEAM THAN THE 1986 RED SOX

Good God, just rip my heart out now, why don't you! Remember last week when I talked about that blind boxer? I hope you're properly braced for impact because this one's gonna hurt too.

On the bright side, it turns out that both of my preseason World Series picks are still alive. Not that I find Yankees/Astros all that appealing, but I do like being right every now and again.

Tonight's winners: Twins, Sox, Dodgers, Cheney (network spinners are looking to make up for their skewering of Bush last week)

Born to love volcanoes

... see 'em on... well, this cam site that Carol sent me. Enjoy.

Maybe he really is "the comeback Kerry"

God, remember that one? Yet another remarkably awful John Kerry witticism. The good news is that not only is Kerry surprisingly winning the spin after last week's debate, he is also doing a pretty good job of damage control over his supposed "global test" gaffe.

HAMPTON, New Hampshire (CNN) -- Sen. John Kerry on Monday lambasted as "pathetic" scaremongering, Republican criticism of his comments during last Thursday's debate in which he said the president's decision to go to war should pass a "global test" of legitimacy.

Asked during a town hall meeting in Hampton to explain what he meant, the Massachusetts senator said, "It's almost sad; it's certainly pathetic, because all they can do is grab a little phrase and try to play a game and scare Americans."

Now thems is fightin' words. Maybe he just needed a little confidence. To be honest, I am as surprised as I am tickled to see that the consensus spin went the way it did. I was not surprised to see Bush smirk and shrug and generally act as though he was pissed off that he had to be there at all. This is how the guy handles himself. I am surprised to see the degree to which this has at last been remarked upon significantly in the mainstream press. I am also surprised to see that consensus opinion holds that Kerry gave a good showing. As I watched, and actively rooted for Kerry, I found myself cringing nearly often enough to equal the experience of one Saints game. After it was over, I immediately called Dad and told him I thought Kerry lost. I won't go into it too much, but two things come to mind. First, one of Kerry's advisors told him it was a good idea to use the word "kill" as many times as possible as in "I will hunt down and kill the terrorists." It's a striking image. Kerry said "I will kill" three or four times during the debate. I cringed. Surely this will either look like a hollow pose or, worse, frighten people, I thought. Second, Kerry missed a golden opportunity to slam Bush during this exchange:

KERRY: Jim, the president just said something extraordinarily revealing and frankly very important in this debate. In answer to your question about Iraq and sending people into Iraq, he just said, "The enemy attacked us." Saddam Hussein didn't attack us. Osama bin Laden attacked us. al Qaeda attacked us. And when we had Osama bin Laden cornered in the mountains of Tora Bora, 1,000 of his cohorts with him in those mountains. With the American military forces nearby and in the field, we didn't use the best trained troops in the world to go kill the world's number one criminal and terrorist.

Skip Kerry droning on. Move to Bush's response

BUSH: First of all, of course I know Osama bin Laden attacked us. I know that.

And secondly, to think that another round of resolutions would have caused Saddam Hussein to disarm, disclose, is ludicrous, in my judgment. It just shows a significant difference of opinion.

We tried diplomacy. We did our best. He was hoping to turn a blind eye. And, yes, he would have been stronger had we not dealt with him. He had the capability of making weapons, and he would have made weapons

Kerry's response should have been something like, "Well if he knows the difference between Saddam and Bin Laden, it's all the more telling that he seems to have no qualms about intentionally conflating the two in order to promote his war." Or I would have personally preferred, "Oh yeah, Mr. 'I know that'? Why then are you such a lying asshole?" But I guess you can't have everything.

Personally, I find Kerry's position on the war in Iraq not only untenable but also immoral. Bush's murderous war of conquest is a crime against humanity and an embarrassment to the nation. Kerry did not stand against it when it counted and he does not stand against it now. What's worse is he openly panders to the "undecided/leaning Bush" vote by promising to "succeed" in Iraq where Bush has failed. Kerry implies that there is still something in Iraq to be won. In truth there is no success to be had in Iraq now, only much much more blood before we manage to disentangle ourselves from Bush's colossal blunder.

Kerry's apparent lack of backbone is what makes me so nervous about the outcome of this election. In politics, evil has a way of trumping milquetoast. But then, if I can be as surprised as I am at the outcome of this first debate, then maybe I can be surprised next month as well.

Ha ha

Jeff and Daisy's wacky adventures at the bar continue here. I should point out that what really makes this story absurd is the fact that "Zelda" kept starting these conversations with me and THEN complained that I talk too much. Really really weird.

Monday Evening Sports Quickie

Wow what a craptacular weekend for the good guys. Cubs eliminated, Tigers blown out, Saints look like crap.. and now this.

Head coach Jim Haslett downplayed a confrontation between defensive end Charles Grant and quarterback Aaron Brooks that happened on the team’s flight home from Arizona Sunday night.
A report on profootballtalk.com suggested the two exchanged angry words and more during the flight.

Sources have it that Brooks, a well known literacy advocate, was upset to learn that Grant had lost his library card. Is it time to start firing coaches in New Orleans?