What if they tried to hold a football game and a health care townhall broke out instead?

It might look something like this:

Thousands of New Orleans Saints season-ticket holders were turned away from the Superdome on Friday evening because their tickets did not contain the bar code required to gain entrance to the stadium.

As the lines swelled at Gate A on the Dome concourse, ticket takers turned away hundreds of eager fans because their tickets lacked the bar code that proves they are, indeed, season-ticket holders.

"LET US IN! LET US IN!" furious fans chanted as the clock ticked down to kickoff, against the Cincinnati Bengals in the Saints first preseason game.

Fans were directed to the Superdome box office on the ground floor, where box office employees began the tedious task of looking up each ticket-holder's name to ascertain he or she was a season-ticket holder.

Apparently, the packet of 2009 tickets sent to each season-ticket holder differed from previous years in that the required bar code could easily be overlooked when tearing each ticket from the packet, according to one season-ticket holder.

So, some fans improperly ripped their tickets from the full 10-game sheet of season tickets. The tickets in question either did not have the full bar code or only a portion of the bar code, causing the snafu.

Some disbelieving fans said they had been in line for more than an hour, amid shouting and cursing ticket-holders.

All the elements are there. In this story the Superdome's confused, unnecessarily complicated stadium entry system goes head to head with an angry mob of idiots incapable of mastering the fundamentals of basic ticket-stub technology waiting in line to make their voices heard. Luckily the situation didn't get too far out of hand before anyone brought up the fact that Sean Payton actually has a clear record of trying to kill fans' grandmas.

Considering, also, that beer prices have gone up once again,



I'd say the Saints had a lot to prove to their volatile fan base in this first fake game of 2009. A few impressions:

• Death Panel Alert: As I am typing this, we learn that Jason David has been judged no longer productive enough by the Saints' coaches' Death Panel. We stoically accept the decision of our glorious socialist managers. We suspected something was up when Dr. Williams offered this prognosis to the press over the weekend

  He had some good plays. We had some plays where guys would have helped him. It is what it is. Every day in this league is an interview. Each week I've thought he's bounced back and played pretty decent and obviously every week's important for these guys. Everyday's an interview. It's an interview for me and an interview for them and that the practices. When the lights go on, you need to be able to do in games what you do in practice. It is what it is. It's a tough league in that respect

  Repeated instances of it being what it is within the same paragraph of coachspeak is never a good sign. This is particularly so when in reference to Jason David being Jason David.
  
  
  Jason David (29) He was what he was (Photo by T-P's Micheal DeMocker)
  
  Update: Dambala contributes a fun Jason David anecdote



• Aside from this, the starting defense did manage to force two turnovers during the first quarter. If that pattern continues, we think we can live with it. Without looking at the stats, I'd guess that Jonathan Vilma's return yardage alone came close to balancing out the quantity surrendered by the newly departed David. On the other hand, Vilma's excuse for getting caught from behind twice is troubling.

  "I got a little tired," Vilma admitted. "I've got to get into game shape."

  We didn't realize professional athletes could be considered out of "game shape" after months of offseason workouts and most of training camp. Makes you wonder what kind of room service the players are availing themselves of at the Airport Hilton... and if the menu would have been approved by Obama's proposed Nutrition Czar.
  
  Meanwhile, Darren Sharper looks ready to play. Sharper forced a Cedric Benson fumble, knocked Laverneus Coles near unconscious, and ran down a reverse all in one quarter. Sharper's play along with that of Kendrick Clancy and Anthony Hargrove has us feeling pretty good about the Saints' post-Davidectomy defense.



• Uh oh the kicker still sucks (and now the snapper does too): Garrett Hartley was 1 for 2 on Friday night. The 1 happened to be a 54 yarder which is nice but it's that botched chip shot that has us concerned. Particularly this bit.

  Hartley wasn't completely to blame for the 20-yard miss Friday night, according to Payton, who said it appeared on the field that the snap and hold weren't in sync. The Saints brought in new long snapper Jason Kyle this offseason and switched the holding duties from punter Glenn Pakulak to backup quarterbacks Mark Brunell and Joey Harrington. So Payton said there has been an adjustment period to deal with in all aspects of the kicking process.

  The Saints are already feeling the effects of the Uncle Rico scandal. Don't expect the addition of 200 year-old (Death Panel eligible?) John Carney to clear this up very easily.



• Offensively, there isn't much worth mentioning. Poochie caught a touchdown, there is no running game to speak of, and Robert Meachem continues to be Mr. August.

But frankly, we think we've already said too much about one fake game. Best to just leave it at that since we know you all need to get back to legislation read-aloud hour with Bob DelGiorno anyway. In the meantime, Saints fans are advised to continue their pre-season regimen of shouting obscenities, watching out for Grandma, and checking to see if the legislature decides what to do about Tom Benson's public option.