So I'm back from yet another major danger adventure. Destin, FL on Fourth of July weekend is not exactly the relaxing vacation getaway one would expect. Yeah I know it's pretty and the harbor is the color of raspberry Laffy Taffy and all but I was nearly killed several times. First I had to sleep one night out on the beach like a homeless person. While that may sound all romantic and rugged to you, I want you to sing this song over and over again and then think about what it means for someone waking up all nasty and hung over at 9 AM. Also I was made to set out to sea in waters I knew to be heavily traveled by pirates. I have no idea what to do when pirates attack. What if I had to hoist the jib or list the cargo or squeeze the orange or whatever. I don't get nautical terms. Luckily, we didn't see any pirates but there were dolphins and that was pretty damn scary too. Just because something is cute does not mean it isn't evil; women, for example. Then, of course, there was the baby shark problem. A perfectly innocent swim in the Gulf was interrupted by an angry horde of baby sharks.. or little fish who were nonetheless angry and hordelike I didn't get a good look at them... who drove me back onto the beach. Turns out, viscous baby sharks are everywhere on the Emerald Coast. In fact, there is a thriving jewelry industry based on this fact.
Additional hazards abounded. No matter which direction we turned or how fast we drove we could not escape the shadow of Waffle House. The Waffle House people must own something like 70% of the real estate along the Gulf Coast. I was nearly maimed by defective fireworks. The hotel room smelled like butt. I was once forced to eat something called a Whataburger. And worst of all, there was the 4 hours drive time each way during which I barely survived the constant harangues of a nurse who can't stand me. Other than that it was pretty nice. I think I'll be back next year.
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