Convention Scorecard

The process by which our national political parties nominate candidates for President is nearly as laughable as it is shameful. The primary season is obscenely long and mostly meaningless. The candidates barely pretend to compete for the nomination based on matters of policy or even their ability to mobilize a political constituency. Rather the true contest is a kind of fashion show where the participants are judged by their overall telegeny and personal appeal to the Oprah watching set. This and, of course, the ability to attract the greatest amount of donated cash combine to bestow upon one candidate the aura of "electability" which lights his way to the nomination. All of this is decided months before the actual nominating convention which as a result becomes a weeklong gathering of people with nothing of any substance to do. So instead they stage an elaborate info-mercial where various party luminaries do their best to lead cheers for the inevitable nominee climaxing in the inevitable acceptance of that nomination and the inevitable descent upon the overjoyed crowd by a staggering number of balloons. Thus, in every sense, the distinguishing feature of the convention is a powerful bombardment of hot air.

This year, I must admit, is different. The approach of the 2004 Democratic Convention was filled with dramatic tension. A great question needed to be answered before the festivities could begin. Namely, this question was: Given the fact that, earlier this year, Cox cable finally detected and disconnected the free service I was accidentally receiving in my apartment, how the hell was I going to watch? All I can say is, thank GSUS for CSPAN. Thanks to their streaming video and my dial-up internet connection I have been able to enjoy every last blurry, sputtering, pixelated moment of this convention that I can stand. And thanks, as well, to that very same technology you may now enjoy the following scoring of the speakers who I watched.

Bill Clinton Still the best. Has there ever been a more natural performer? My favorite bit was the one about the awkward position the US finds itself in of wanting to enforce its trade laws against Japan and China who own a substantial portion of its debt. "How are you gonna enforce your trade laws against your own bank?" Unfortunately, while in office, President Clinton did nothing to reverse this situation. Clinton's rhetorical style of attack is perfect. He continually kills with kindness the other party's policies while professing to admire their conviction. I remember seeing him use the "John Kerry said 'Send me'" bit way back during the Unity dinner. I was not surprised to see him stick with it. It worked quite nicely. Score 9/10 (Would have been perfect but he's such a damn hypocrite)

Barack Obama Surprisingly underwhelming. I know I know he's already the darling of the convention and the rising star of the party. Not even Mike Ditka wants to run against him. Maybe this is why I expected something more. This was very much like a John Edwards speech. (Without all the disgusting lip smacking.) Very smooth delivery. Emotional appeal to egalitarian "values." But in the end, you feel empty because you realize there was no real policy advocacy.. just a lot of warm and fuzzies. And even though you like those warm and fuzzies, and they get you on his side, you still find yourself saying, "OK I'm with you, man, so what do we do?" Score 6/10 It probably played well to the "undecided likely voters" and that is a good thing.

Teresa Heinz Kerry Impressive. More than I expected. This is a worldly, intelligent not at all phony woman and it shows. What was bothersome was the way David Brooks and Mark Shields, commenting for PBS, ripped her afterwards for not being the empty-headed doting wife that, according to them, Kerry needs her to be. Good Christ, guys, this is 2004! Also, Brooks called the speech "wonky." I don't see how anyone could have watched that and not been impressed. Score 11/10 (extra points because David Brooks is an asshole)

Dennis Kucinich Short and sweet speech.. just like Dennis (ha!) This was my candidate during the primaries because he was the only candidate who argued for single payer national health care, an immediate withdrawal from Iraq, and cancellation of NAFTA. This speech was little more than a quick cheering exercise. Score 5/10

Al Sharpton The best line of the convention, "If George Bush had appointed the Supreme Court in 1954, Clarence Thomas would never have been able to go to law school." Sharpton was outstanding during the primary season and stole the show at most of the debates. It was good to see him again and I was very happy to learn that he went off script and exceeded his allotted time by more than ten minutes. Unfortunately this was not his best effort. It wasn't bad.. but he has been better. Score 7/10

John Edwards I really hate this guy. He is smarmy and phony to the core and it shows. Luckily, I seem to be the only person who sees this. People eat his shit up. I want to be clear about this. I believe the Democrats should campaign on exactly the themes that John Edwards talks about namely, bringing hope and opportunity to the poor and working class families who have been so hugely shat upon by the oligarchs in this country for generations. Unfortunately I don't think John Edwards gives a shit about anything but John Edwards. Tonight was more of the same from him. He said the right things.. but it's the way he says them that irks me... makes me fell like someone is trying to sell me vacuum cleaner. I don't like it. Happily, most of the aforementioned "likely voters" will like it and this puts us ever closer to a Bushless White House. Score 8/10 (Hey, I may not like it but it probably got the job done)