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Thursday, April 25, 2013

The only post on the internet about the NFL draft

This week's American football news begins high in the Andes.
Veteran NFL linebacker Scott Fujita, who enjoyed his most successful seasons with the Saints, signed a one-day contract with the team so that he could retire as a Saint, the club announced Monday.

Fujita was a big part of the team that came together after Katrina and enjoyed the best run in franchise history, with two NFC Championship game appearances and a Super Bowl title.

“I’ve been fortunate to play in this league for a long time and for some great organizations, but there is no doubt that my times spent in New Orleans were some of the best years of my life,” Fujita said. “The way the team and the community embraced us when we first arrived, and the way they continue to do so, even today, shows how deep this connection is. I’m honored to be a part of this organization and so proud to retire as a New Orleans Saint.”

Fujita, 33, signed his contract provided to him by the Saints in Machu Picchu, located in the Andes Mountains in the Urubamba Valley in Peru, South America. He is accompanying former New Orleans Saints teammate Steve Gleason on an adventure of the fabled Inca tribe in the South American mountains.
The Saints released a photo of Fujita signing his contract.




This means the Saints, who open the season at home this year, could set up Week 1 as Scott Fujita Day.  It would be a terrific way to put the "bountygate" experience to bed by celebrating the retirement of one of the saga's primary victim/heroes.

It's also a perfect way to end the coming Summer Of Falcons Hate which we're all very much looking forward to. The Saints face the Falcons at home in Week 1.  The next 4 months of obnoxious fan trash talking will tax the internet to its capacity.  If you've got large files to download, or cute animal streaming to observe,  better get that out of the way now.  Also that gives us plenty of time to figure out how to finally dress that statue.

In the meantime, the only problem anyone is trying to solve revolves around the Saints and the 15th draft pick in  tonight's first round.  I'm still not a big fan of the NFL's new(ish) prime time 1st round format.  I get that it's essentially a reality show but I still think the draft works better as an all-day weekend event; like a football game would be if you didn't have to actually sit there all day and pay attention to it.

One thing they have gotten right, though, is inviting guest presenters with some tie to each team to announce later round picks at the podium.  This year, for example,  the Saints 3rd round pick could be broadcast by live video stream from Scott Fujita at Machu Pichu. Of course it won't. And that's why the draft sucks.

But it's still a sucky thing that no one can ever stop talking about. Like pilates or Jimmy John's sandwiches or NyQuil. Here are some of the things that have been said in the process.

Everybody: The Saints' defense was terrible in 2012. The Saints should probably draft a defense. Who are some defense guys in this year's draft? Let's draft them.

Except

Handwerger: The Saints are kind of terrible at other positions also.
While there’s depth in the sense of numbers on the roster, there’s a lack of depth in the sense of experience and ability at receiver.

The same could be said at tackle.

Losing tackle Jermon Bushrod to Chicago in free agency was big. Certainly he’s not an elite player in the league. But he is solid and he did start for the past four seasons.

The position is open for Charles Brown to swoop in.
Oooh. Nobody wants to watch Charles Brown do any swooping out there. Let's see if we can avoid that.
 
Besides,

Malbrough: The Saints are pretty terrible at picking defensive guys anyway. Also, times are more desperate than you may believe.
The Saints desperately need an infusion of young cheap talent because they are tight against the salary cap but acquiring that young talent is made harder by the loss of their second-round pick for the bounty investigation penalties.

Sports are like everything else in life in that the good times never last forever. If we can live in a world where Angela Hill isn’t on your TV everyday and I can’t gleefully read Roger Ebert savage a horrible movie, you best believe the Saints won’t be fun to watch with Drew Brees every Sunday forever. If the Saints are going to be a serious contender in 2013, Mickey Loomis and Sean Payton must nail the draft starting Thursday and their history lately is spotty at best.
Better to go get a guy who will immediately help the Saints get better this season before age and the salary cap eat everybody's face next year.  Malbrough thinks that's Tavon Austin which is probably not true. But the principle is still a good one.

The Saints need to become a much improved team immediately in a championship-or-bust season. An offensive player might be more likely to help them do that.

On the other hand, it's always more enjoyable to get drunk and do fun stuff such as drafting Barkevious Mingo AND Tyrann Mathieu. The argument in favor of the latter is especially compelling.

Firstly, there's a HUGE difference between taking a knucklehead in the first round and taking one in the third. And secondly, there are two kinds of knuckleheads. There are knuckleheads who are just fucking assholes, who do things like kick people in the face and steal from friends/teammates/roommates and beat women up and shit like that. Fuck those guys. And then there are good kids who aren't trying to hurt anybody or anything, but they do stupid shit because they're just looking to have a good time, and they're young and dumb and they think it'll never come back to bite them in the ass. Right up until it does. Maybe more than once. Because, this just in, they don't always "learn their lesson" the first time. I sure as hell didn't when I was in my early 20s, and I damn sure didn't have any reason to think I'd keep getting pass after pass because I was hot shit.

All indications are that Mathieu is the latter. And that's okay with me. Maybe he never gets his head out of his ass. I'm willing to take that risk. Because I genuinely believe that he's trying to get a grip upon his shit. And because the worst-case scenario just doesn't bother me all that much. The world isn't going to end if the Saints take a chance on a guy in the third fucking round and it doesn't work out because he just can't put the damn bong down. I'll get over it, and so will you. It wouldn't be the first time, nor will it be the last. We lived through Jonathan Sullivan, for crying out loud.

Meantime, would you not be entertained?
We would be. Quite much so.  Wang's theory of knucklehead varieties scans very near to Matt Taibbi's equally strong, "Draft The Weed Guy" rule.
To quickly recap: guys who batter cheerleaders with bricks or commit armed robbery or drive drunk with loaded pistols in their glove compartments are genuine character concerns, but a kid who just likes to smoke weed... that's every college student in America. You want your star athlete, if he's going to have a vice, to be a pothead. In fact, hopefully, he's going straight from practice to his TV, blazing up and watching cartoons all afternoon. That means he's not getting in real trouble. Yet every year, great talents like Percy Harvin and Moss and Sapp plummet in the draft because of failed weed tests, and smart teams scoop them up, put them on the Whizzinator therapy plan, and cash in big-time.

As for me, I'm never very good with constructive advice so I can't say with any certainty what the Saints should do.  I can say with some considerable uncertainty that if they take any of the tackles or any of the receivers who are not Tavon Austin, I'd be okay with that.  Reid even suggests a tight end. I might be okay with that too.

What I am pretty good at is telling people what not to do. And in that regard, not drafting the guy with the broken spine or the guy with the fake girlfriend sound like good bets. Also, while we're at it, let's not trade Chris Ivory. Just in case we need him for later. Like when all of the running backs inevitably are injured by November.

And that's all I've got. Now I'm off to Machu Pichu Tracey's to watch some of this debacle spend quality time with the Mrs.  Be sure to tweet your complaints legibly.  And we'll see you all in the Summer of Hate.

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