Saints 2011 Burning Questions: Because, you see, there was actually fire this time. Get it? It's funny!

Before we start here, let's get our excuses out of the way up front. To say the least it's been an eventful week. Why it seems like just yesterday we were all set to choke to death on "Orange-level air particulate" wafted at us by a marsh fire strangely resistant to even the combined finger wagging fury of Jackie Clarkson and Ray Nagin.

Luckily we were saved via the good graces Tropical Storm Lee which treated us to copious amounts of fairly light but fire-extinguishing-enough rainfall as well as a daily weather report from the Mayor of New Orleans accompanied by at least 50 more people than should ever be crammed behind one podium at a time.

Okay fine, you say. Just another late August and early September in New Orleans as far as we're concerned. Everybody knows that's the part of the year when the disasters are in full bloom. Hurricanes, fires, statewide elections qualifying, whatever. This is the time of year when we loosen the valve on our local hellmouth (no not that hellmouth) to let off a little steam... or in this case smoke. Nothing we shouldn't handle, and certainly no reason for the Yellow Blog to be already running late with the weekly football lecture. Fair enough.

But then things get really nuts. For instance, what the hell is going on outside right now? Just as I type these words, it is 4:30 PM on the Wednesday after Labor day and the temperature outside according to my phone which is never wrong is 79 degrees Fahrenheit. A weather phenomenon like that goes way past raging marsh fire, past minor street flooding, past Hurricane Gustav, hell it's probably even a notch or two up the scale from Northern Virginia earthquakes which is to say damn unsettling. Maybe even "orange-level" damn unsettling.

The damn unsettling thing about weather like this in early September is that everyone knows it's a fucking lie. Far from feeling free to enjoy the faux-autumn breeze, we're busy calculating just how pissed off we're going to be after the teasing coolness gives way to ball-sweat hot again sometime next week. The more prudent of us, in fact, are wondering just how much farther into November our late summer nastiness will inevitably be pushed in order to compensate for the cheat we're currently experiencing. Be not deceived. This is no early fall gift. It is an omen of future pain.

So as distracted as we've been trying to figure out the portents in the weather, how can there possibly have been adequate time to torture meanings out of the spread entrails and dissected sports hernias of pre-season football? You're right, it's practically impossible. Or maybe it's just possibly impractical. Well anyway here's what we're thinking in convenient bullet point form.

• What does the NFL pre-season have in common with the Garland Robinette show? Both of them are FAKE FAKE FAKE. And also expensive. Our lovely young model here is posed with a sign indicating the current price of domestic lager available inside the Louisiana Superdome.
  
  
  
  Please note that in 2006, as the current crop of Saints began their run toward an eventual 2009 Super Bowl title, this was the price of a double Bloody Mary served in an impressively sized plastic cup. Could such hyper-inflation really be the price of success? Perhaps. But mostly it just sucks. And more to the point, even if Rita Benson means to charge us these ridiculous prices for refreshments, shouldn't there be at least some small discount for those of us silly suckers attending the fake games?
  
  Oh right, the games are fake. How fake? Pre-season games are so fake that they aren't even worth the amount of energy the small number of fans in attendance put into to gleaning some relevance from the spectacle placed before them. Look at this report filed shortly after the Saints-49ers pre-season opener this year.

  Apart from John (Harbaugh’s) recent issue with the Chiefs, there’s more information about Jim’s “welcome to the NFL” experience with the Saints, when defensive coordinator Gregg Williams blitzed the bejeepers out of the Niners.
  
  Saints radio broadcaster Jim Henderson recently told 1560 the Game in Houston that the onslaught resulted from the failure of Jim Harbaugh to call Sean Payton to talk shop before the two teams met.
  
  “From what I heard from some people, Sean Payton sort of expected Harbaugh to call him throughout the week and kind of figure out a gentleman’s agreement as to how the game would be played,” Henderson said. “When that didn’t occur, Sean just said to Gregg, ‘Let the dogs out.’ And they did.”

  See, not only are pre-season games fake as in they don't count and a bunch of reserves play most of the minutes, they are also fake as in they are scripted by the head coaches beforehand. Or at least usually they are. Apparently coaches who don't play ball in this racket get their quarterbacks flattened. So even as some die-hards persist in their noble pursuit of the idea that these games must mean something even if we can't say exactly what, we'd prefer not to jam up our own think tanks with such matters. Or at least that's our position until someone drops a $250,000 loan in our laps to convince us otherwise.



• Besides $250,000 in radio payola, what other corrupt bargains were we made aware of this offseason? Well there was that whole lockout business settled after much talking through thick walls of lawyers. Our memories are hazy now but it seemed for a while that we weren't going to have to endure quite so much FAKE FAKE FAKE pre-season football. But then we ended up having to do it anyway.
  
  In addition we vaguely recollect some event where Drew Brees and a bunch of guys who may or may not be on the team anymore got together on the Tulane campus for group calisthenics and also to stage raffles every week. And probably a bake sale or something. Was Kenny Chesney there? Somebody look that up for me. Anyway we are told that these activities contributed to "team cohesion" which is supposed to give the Saints some kind of competitive advantage during the early part of the season. We hope this is true, but somehow we rather doubt that it is. Seriously, how much more cohesed, so to speak, can the Saints really be than their early season opponents at this point? Do we say the Saints have a fine cheese where the Packers have mere curds? Honey compared to the Bears' sugar? Perhaps a full cowpie to the Texans' turds? Does any of this mean anything?
  
  As far as we're concerned the only tangible lingering effect of the lockout is the appearance of our season tickets. Actually this is just a bit of a hunch but it seems reasonable that since the tickets were printed while the lockout was still on, they were done without the players' images on the face as they have been in years past.
  
  
  
  Instead the Saints have had them replaced with the logos of various associated charities and non-profits.
  
  
  
  Some of these are pretty okay. I see Toys for Tots and the America's Wetland Foundation with which most of us will find few arguments. On the other hand, I also see Play 60 which we'll always associate in our minds with that damned bus.
  
  
  
  Worse still, there's the Komen Foundation again which reminds us that October is Pinkwashing Month in the NFL. We look forward to that as always. Of course it's not all bad. At least there aren't any tickets with Reggie Bush on them this year. Which reminds me...
  



• So where is Reggie Bush now, anyway? Why he's leading the Miami Dolphins by example, he is.
  

  "I try to lead by example," he says. "Now it's more important to do it, and bring some of the young guys along. Quite honestly, some of the guys who have been here for a while, too, maybe need to see that. We need to change the culture around here."
  
  Talk about change. This is the beginning of the next chapter for Bush, better known for a scandal that cost Southern Cal a national title and led to forfeiture of his Heisman Trophy— than for his accomplishments on the field.

  Okay whatever. Bush goes on in that article to talk about how he's playing this season with "a chip on his shoulder." For his sake we hope he can carry both that and the ball at the same time. It should make for some interesting end around lateral attempts anyway. God just thinking about that makes us remember how glad we are to be rid of him.
  
  
  
  Actually this will make for a fun game. It's been a while since we've tracked a non-pants-related statistic throughout a football season. This year we aim to provide a weekly comparison of Bush's numbers with those of his replacement in the Saints' offense Darren Sproles. Sproles, listed at 5'6" 190 lbs might actually be that chip Reggie was talking about. Is he sure he even knows where he left that thing?
  
  Coincidentally, this week scientists announced their discovery that the butyl methyl sulfide molecule is actually the world's tiniest motor

  As for uses--oh, yeah, there are actual uses for this thing!--scientists believe that this molecule could further be developed into a motor to power nano-sized devices in fields such as medicine

  Also, if you look very closely, we suspect you'll see the tiny motor score a few more touchdowns than Reggie Bush this year.
  



• Speaking of stats to track, who will be the Saints' third tackle/goal line "eligible" end this year and how many more touchdowns will he score than Jeremey Shockey does? It looks like Charles Brown's job. And we're gonna go out on a limb and say 20.
  



• Who is the winner of this year's Onome Ojo/Adrian Arrington Memorial Inconsequential Camp Darling Award? Wait Arrington is still on the roster, right? Can we name this award after him yet? Aw hell with it, why deny the man the role he was born to play? Anyway this year's winner is Joseph Morgan. Maybe someday we can etch his name on the trophy too.
  



• Is it really out of fashion to wear black and gold in public nowadays? GQ says it is. Saints rookie running back Mark Ingram tweets no. We're pretty sure Ingram is bigger than three or four GQ editors put together so we're gonna go with him on this.
  



• Despite everything we've learned, are we still proud to wear our Morstead jersey to the games? Look, we know the dude has developed a problem with over-tweeting the coverage, and nobody is going to stand up and get behind his regrettable taste in nicknames. But those of us who may have contributed to the making of this monster are still as happy as ever to unleash our creation on the competition. Sure it's been an awkward summer on the Tweeter Tubes but we are standing by our "Dream Punter of Tomorrow" Um.. the punter isn't allowed to use his smartphone during the actual games, right? Just checking.
  



• Please tell us about some popular food products we may purchase and consume during this football season.Well a few weeks back I know we made mention of Joe Horn's "Bayou 87" Barbecue Sauce but have we yet suggested a smoked meat appropriate to pair it with?
  
  
  
  You're welcome.
  
  



• Uh oh the kicker sucks! Okay okay so that's two in a row that aren't really in the form of a question but if it was good enough for this year's Rising Tide Q&A then it's good enough for.... look whatever we're doing it live! If you're wondering if you should worry about recently unretired John Kasay, consider this. Only three Saints in history have worn jersey number 2 during regular season action. Those three Saints were Chip Lohmiller, Aaron Brooks, and Olindo Mare. Could the problem here be wardrobe related? Do we want to take that chance?
  



• Speaking of Rising Tide, which former RT keynote speaker has already predicted a Saints Super Bowl appearance this season? Nationally syndicated sports columnist Dave Zirin has done that.
  



• Well alright then, smartypants, what do you think is going to happen? First off, I think I'm going to be sneaking a lot more liquor into the dome this year given these ridiculous beer prices. Also I think it's awfully strange that the Saints appear to be penciling Junior Gallette in at back up free safety and defensive end at the same time. Also I think he's starting at one or both outside linebacker positions. Seriously, at the beginning of this camp I was walking around telling people this could be the best Saints defense in maybe 20 years. One day before the season starts, I'm wondering if they even know who's on the roster.
  
  Meanwhile it's easy to get excited about the running backs. Provided the Saints don't burn through seven of them in the first three weeks of the season, that should be fun. At the same time it's difficult to get excited about the offensive line (see this Moosedenied post) where we think Junior Gallette is asking to get some snaps in at right tackle, you know, just to see.
  
  So questionable defense plus O-line difficulty. Factor in a few sports hernias, carry the two sorry... wait.. don't carry the 2 (see kicker discussion above) Burn the 2. Drop the 2 in the marsh fire from a helicopter just to be sure. Remember that professional football is actually very difficult to play let alone predict and all that comes out to....
  
  Well we think the Saints are a good team but we're just not sure what that means anymore. Practically everyone is a pretty good team...well that is except the "Dream Team" Eagles who we're expecting about 5 wins from this season. Maybe the Saints will do better than that. Anyway, you'll recall that they've already got one of those big silver football trophies parked in a case so none of this actually matters anymore. Let's pick a win total at random. 6. Okay but I don't like that number. Add 5 to it. Happy?
  

Last question: What will you be watching on TV tomorrow night? As many of us are no doubt well aware, there's been some typically stupid political grousing back and forth this week which has resulted in the President boldly deciding to schedule a major jobs policy speech whenever John Boener damn well tells him to which, in this case, means opposite tomorrow's season-opening pre-game festivities.

Although David Vitter would like you to believe he has chosen to view the Saints instead of Obama, he's actually filling that part of his schedule with Kid Rock so, way to go, I guess.

In a recent blog post at Rolling Stone Matt Taibbi talks about the difficulty of having to choose between an Obama speech and alternate programing.

I was in an airport in Florida yesterday and was forced into a terrible, Sophie's Choice-type choice.

I was hours early for a flight and stuck in a relatively small terminal crammed with people. Only one area in the whole wing had empty seats; an unused gate that contained a TV blaring the CNN broadcast of Obama's Labor Day speech at full volume.

So it was either sit underneath a full-volume broadcast of our fearless president bellowing out his latest hollow promises, or the hellish alternative: retreat to gates full of screaming five year-old children, all of them jacked up on sugar and bawling their eyes out because it was the end of Labor Day weekend and their cruel parents were dragging them home from Disneyworld.

I ended up choosing the screaming children.

As luck would have it, I'm working until close tomorrow so it looks like I'll be choosing the screaming children as well. But after that, it's straight to football. It looks like we'll still have the appropriate weather in place for that, anyway. Let's see if we can pretend that's actually a good thing.