Sunday, November 07, 2010

Tricks Before Treats or This Grandma's Gone to Heaven

Knee surgery is sort of like shoe repair. One brings one's knee into the shop, speaks with a receptionist, signs a piece of paper, and if one's knee happens to be attached to one's wife, one is told to drop it off and come back in an hour. All told, it's actually very convenient. And the small specialized facility where we brought Menckles is fairly discrete too. So if you're looking for a quick, no frills place to get your torn meniscus cleaned up with little or no fuss from the press, I highly recommend bringing your spouse's knee there. In other words, Brittany Brees, shoot me an email if there's anything we need to talk about.

Anyway we're very happy to report that Menckles is doing well and has already returned to work. She even made it to her regular position in the Dome for the Pittsburgh game, which is more than we can say for Pierre Thomas.
"I feel pain all over my ankle," Thomas said. "When you touch it, I feel pain all over my ankle. They touch different spots and they say, 'You feel it there?' And I say, 'Yeah, I feel it there.' So I really messed it up. They say I really messed it up pretty bad."

And also this.
Thomas was also asked about a NewOrleans.com report that suggested he was nearly traded to the New England Patriots for a cornerback before the Oct. 19 trade deadline. He said he had never heard of the report and seemed genuinely taken aback, laughing and saying, "Wow."

"No, no. That's shocking. That's real shocking," said Thomas, who had also pleaded ignorance to a recent Fox Sports report that he was in Coach Sean Payton's doghouse because of his lingering recovery process.


So Pierre can barely walk, and he was almost traded to New England just before Sean Payton remembered the first rule which is never make any deal with Belichick. I want to be clear that I'm not exactly implying that my wife is actually tougher than Pierre Thomas. She also could barely walk.. for like a week or so, anyway... after having a pencil-sized scraping device jammed into her knee. But at least she had this creepy hand-carved cane to get around with on Halloween night.

Creepy Cane
Yes, those are actual human teeth.

We're not sure what Frenchy was dressed as that night. We know he wasn't going as a football player, which is a shame because he missed a hell of a game. At least we were where we were supposed to be for that one, and the one before it which, while not as satisfying to watch, did make for entertaining reading in the hospital waiting room the next day.

Saints vs. Browns and Steelers:


  • Dirty: The first amusing story I read in the waiting room involved yet another team accusing the Saints of playing dirty football.
    NEW ORLEANS -- Nick Sorensen and Josh Cribbs accused the Saints of dirty play during Sunday's 30-17 upset by the Browns.

    Sorensen said Saints players were gouging at his eyes and ripping at his face while he was down on the ground recovering a fumble on a kickoff return. Cribbs said the Saints were grabbing his groin while he was down after the opening kickoff of the second half. And linebacker Blake Costanzo told Sorensen he saw Saints choking Browns in the pile on the opening kickoff of the second half.
    These sorts of complaints first started popping up toward the end of last season when various football pundits suggested that the Saints' playoff victories were somehow "illegitimate" because old people don't like being hit or something.

    But this year, there may be something to it. I haven't watched a Saints game yet this year that didn't include a lot of extra pushing and shoving between players after the whistle. It happened again all night during the Pittsburgh game. It's something to keep an eye on as the "Bad Guys" make their way through the remainder of the schedule.


  • Cleveland Rocks: Brown fans are pretty cool. When their little team came in to play the Saints, they were 1-5 and hoping a rookie quarterback could hold down the fort for them until Jake Delhomme was healthy enough to be... Jake Delhomme. But they sucked it up and made the trip anyway, and in impressive numbers. And they were nice people too. We had a good time explaining to the Cleveland people in our section what a Fleur-de-lis is. They didn't mind telling us what a Brown is. We didn't mind telling them how badly our kicker sucks. Good times.


  • When traveling to away games, don't forget to bring a Terrible Towel: The Browns fans also told us the incoming Steeler fans would be assholes. They certainly showed up in numbers large enough for a statistically valid sample. The Pittsburgh fans travel in even greater numbers than the Cleveland fans do. Just before kickoff on Halloween night, I could have sworn the crowd was 40-50 percent Steeler fans. But they weren't assholes. Had as good a time talking to them as we did talking to the Cleveland people. For the most part, all of the visiting fans to the Superdome have been pretty cool. The Saints fans have been less so at times. More on that in a minute.

    Meanwhile, I'm wondering two things.

    1) Have Saints fans been selling their tickets in greater numbers lately because they're having money trouble or because they're losing interest?

    2) Since Ben Roethlisberger says this was the most noise he's ever had to deal with, are Superdome sound technicians pumping in artificial noise to make up for the reduced number of Saints fans in attendance?


  • Tricks: Not sure what's worse about the Cleveland game. It's either that Eric Mangini thinks he's coaching high school, or that all that high school shit he tried actually worked. Let's see here. Cross-field lateral on a punt return? Check. Fake punt for 60+ yards? Sure, why not? You want your slow, fat halfback to run a throwback pass accross his body and accross the field to your rookie quarterback? You know what? Fuck you. That Les Miles shit is all well and good if it beats Alabama, but if you're gonna do weird shit in the NFL, come back when you learn how to bounce pass.


    Actually, Darren Sharper should have stuffed this play but got caught sneaking into the backfield.


  • None of those trick plays were called by Coach Fujita:We knew going in that Cleveland would benefit from having ex-Saint Scott Fujita around to match wits with his former teammates. We didn't realize just how much he would own this role. Fujita (10 tackles 1 sack 1 interception) managed a defense that not only seemed to know what the Saints were running before most plays, but also disguised its own alignment throughout the game frequently lining up with some or all defensive linemen in standing positions off the line of scrimmage. The Steelers tried a little of this the next week. Expect the Saints to see it often for the rest of the year.

    As frustrating a day as it was for the Saints' offense, most fans wouldn't begrudge Fujita his successful homecoming. Fujita was and continues to be an advocate for the rebuilding of New Orleans and the restoration of its surrounding wetlands. In addition, it was clear that Fujita's decision to leave for a once-in-a-career free agency payday was the correct decision for him and his family while the Saints' decision not to match the offer was just as sensible. It was an amicable parting all around. Why, then, were audible boos detected from the Superdome crowd at every mention of Fujita's name during the visit? No one expects fans to cheer the opposing side, but there's just no call to single out Fujita for unearned hostility here. Saints fans are having a strange year.


    How do you boo such a winning smile?



  • Seriously, Saints fans, chill.

    Who can boo?

    By this point, we're all well aware of the imperfections of the first half of 2010. But I have to ask again, what exactly was everyone expecting? Are the Saints supposed to win every game from now on or are they just supposed to win the Superbowl every season? (Note: At 5-3 they're still in the hunt for that) We cannot possibly be this spoiled or stupid. The Saints are the current champs. They're winning more than they're losing. I'm not saying that you can't be concerned if things don't go well, but it's important to keep at least some small sense of perspective.

    But I suppose if 5-3 really does necessitate some theory as to what is "wrong" with the Saints, try this. Every football season is different. Each year every team makes changes in personnel, coaching and strategy in order to adjust to the results of the previous season. Even if you make the bare minimum number of changes, you're liable to have a harder time of things in the new environment.

    While the rest of the football universe was making adjustments and signing free agents and begging Brett Favre to come back, the Saints were spending their offseason signing books, and riding in parades, and poorly planning their families. (Again. Nothing wrong with that. Super Bowl Champs. High five and whatnot) This is why it was perfectly logical for us to believe, as we said at the beginning of the season that it was possible for the Saints to play as well as they played last year and still win fewer games. So far, they haven't even played as well as they played last year and still have managed to win five out of eight. This during the same stretch where the two pre-season darlings of the NFC, Dallas and Minnesota have more or less collapsed. We're still here, us. We'll take that. Right?


  • Grandma gone to heaven: As we walked away from the Superdome after the Cleveland game, it started to rain... but in the most annoying way. It rained just hard enough to prompt us to open our umbrella and struggle to share it as I stumbled about after having too much liquor and she limped along after having too few painkillers. But it was also raining lightly enough to cause us to wonder just how necessary this precarious side-waddle was in the first place. It may have been only drizzling, but we had to walk a long way in the drizzle and so felt like we should try and keep the drizzle from accumulating. Even if we felt a little silly about that.

    So we were already self-conscious when we heard someone about a block behind us shouting criticism at other umbrella users he judged inappropriately timid. "What the fuck are you doing? Why are you people afraid of a little weather? Put that away! It's a nice day out!" After a Saints loss, even random advice to enjoy the weather carries a hint of malice, especially when shouted by strangers. And soon enough, the vaguely angry advice was being directed at us. "Oh come on! It's just a little wet!"

    We turned to face our aggressive moisture advocate and were pleased to recognize him as the "Sean Payton Killed My Grandma!" guy we had last encountered nearly two years ago. As I lowered the umbrella, Menckles blurted right out, "How's your grandmother?" After a few moments of explaining ourselves, we learned that, yes, his grandmother may have survived Payton in 2007 but only long enough to see the Saints win the Superbowl earlier this year. At first I thought, "Ah so he got her eventually" but somehow managed not to say that out loud. I got the impression that it might have been okay, since the guy went on to say that she got to see what she had been hanging on to see and he seemed pretty content with that and isn't a nice day out here after all.


  • Tricks: Doesn't Sean Payton know that he also is not coaching high school football? Hell, there aren't even any grandmas left to kill now but Payton spent the Pittsburgh game trying all sorts of crazy shit. The fourth down shift out of kicking formation had us scared half to death that Chase Daniel might actually be called upon to do something during a real game. Marques Colston was asked to execute a play where he might, should he so choose, throw the football. Luckily, he chose not to but then, after pulling the ball down and becoming a runner like he might on any play, Colston slid feet first as though the mere assignment of becoming a potential passer rendered him incapable of taking on tacklers. Any actual high school coach (as opposed to one just calling high school plays) would have thoroughly bitched him out for that.

    Worst of all, Payton finally busted out the one trick play we all knew he'd had in his pocket for the better part of two seasons now. The long-awaited "Number 64 is an eligible receiver" payoff was dialed up. This was a trick we would have actually considered a treat to witness. And yet...


    Eh... maybe next Halloween


  • Let the Thomas Morstead for Pro Bowl campaign begin now: It all starts with press clippings.
    In a season in which the Saints have struggled for consistency, Morstead has not. Each week he excels in one way or another. He averaged 51 yards on four punts against Cleveland and dropped three kicks inside the 20-yard line against Pittsburgh.


    As I was making my way to the top of the Superdome last week, a stranger noticed my Morstead jersey and asked, "Are you with the Morsteads?"

    "I.. um... well, no.. see I'm a.. uh, I'm a fan, I guess"

    The upshot of that encounter is I now know what section the Morstead party sits in during the games. I had been wondering where Morstead himself had been lately during Saints kickoffs and was pleased to see him back out there on the last one of the night last week. I thought for a minute that Hartley was being punished for hitting a spastic looking squib kick earlier on but it turns out, he's got some sort of injury. Maybe if 6 booms a few through the endzone at Carolina, he gets the job back permanently.


  • Malcolm Jenkins is still a No-catching Motherfucker: It's good to see Jabari Greer and Tracy Porter coming back this week since it means we no longer have to watch Malcolm Jenkins try to play corner. Jenkins had been coming into his own at free safety and we think he probably deserves to continue as the starter in that position even though it was nice to see Darren Sharper get back to doing what he does when he collected the fumble that saved the game against Pittsburgh. When they're all standing upright, the Saints (ranked 3rd in total defense and 3rd vs the pass) have some impressive depth in the secondary.


    Darren Sharper: Catching motherfucker



  • Brees' knees: Okay so it may be slightly less than 50 million gillion percent certain that Brees' play is being affected by his obviously still sore knee. Whatever the cause, there have certainly been problems. It's true that he's been hit a lot more this season than he has in the past. Watching him against Pittsburgh, I was convinced there had to be something physically affecting his ability to throw the deep ball. But that's a tricky thing to judge knowing that Brees' arm was never very strong in the first place.

    Of course, it could still be the dreaded, oft-whispered about Madden curse. Until the Cleveland game, I had been putting off giving any serious consideration to the video game based superstition. (I've already invested most of my capacity for magical thinking in this pants thing) But after watching Drew throw two interceptions to the same defensive lineman whose name is only one letter off from the one Brees just gave his newborn son, I have to wonder whether or not something cosmic does have it out for him after all.


    David Bowens indicates the current number of Brees children as he runs his second interception of the day back for a game-clinching score




Speaking of magical thinking, could somebody please inform the media that one win in black pants does not instantly erase a longstanding losing record? It certainly doesn't make them look any less stupid anyway. Besides, there could have been any number of mitigating counter-jinxes in play on Halloween night. For example, the Saints could have been aided by the presence of our Who Dat Pumpkin.

Who Dat Pumpkin in the Dome

Or maybe the outcome was just in the cards that night.

Tarrot cards

Either way we're keeping the Pumpkin. I mean, just look at how well he fit in at the bar after the win.

Who Dat Pumpkin at White's

If for some reason we are called upon to build another altar this year, it seems like a logical item to build around. And as we move into the second half of the season with the Saints in the thick of things the thought that something that ridiculous may still become necessary is pretty sweet thought to start on.

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