Saints 2009: Now we can haz cheezburger? Or the end of all things, whichever comes first?

On yesterday* the President welcomed America's schoolchildren back from vacation. Now I know that there's been a lot of crap in the news about whether or not the contents of his speech amounted to an inspirational pep talk or a cryto-commie subterfuge but, to me, the only real significance here is that Summer is officially over**. The President has declared it so.

And not a moment too soon either because, seriously, what the fuck was that all about? When we look back on Summer 2009 (and with access to the proper drugs we may not have to) what will we think on the most fondly? The Death Panels? The Michael Jackson funeral? The Uncle Rico Scandal? The Bill Jefferson conviction? The car bombings? Buying the Chevron building? Not buying the Chevron building? Abita Satsuma? The oil spills? (no one will remember the oil spills) Jesus Christ all this AND my cat died too. The President doesn't just need to declare this thing over, he needs to reimburse us for this clunker.

In all fairness, though, we really shouldn't blame the weirdness on the summer. For one thing, the crazy isn't isolated to these past few months. For another thing, I think I already know who to blame. I blame the Saints for all of this and here's why.

I'm not interested in turning this into yet another mediation on the scene in New Orleans as many of us returned in the wake of the Federal Flood. Each of us has his and her own personal experience with the life-sized surreality-in-the-round to ponder on from that time so I won't presume to describe it to you. I only ask you to draw upon these experiences so that you will know in what context I mean to say that, of all this, the most bizarre and irreconcilable fact of our post-flood world to me is the fact that we're actually still here.

I mean, the world ended, didn't it? Those of us who grew up here had been told for most of our lives to expect that one day our sinking marsh metropolis was going to be wiped away and we along with it. Many of us had actually kind of resigned ourselves to that fact. Some of us pretty much spent our twenties just kind of goofing off and waiting for it to happen, really. Call it a secular version of what the Rapture Ready crowd does. But then the Rapture came and went and now, four years later, those of us who are Left Behind wonder, what do we do now? What are we waiting for? Is something else supposed to happen? I think, yes.

Something is supposed to happen. Or rather something was supposed to happen. The day after the Saints' loss to Chicago in the 2006-07 NFC Championship game, I wrote

Sports fandom is ultimately a fantasy that we all give.. I think.. a little too much power as a metaphor. I know I certainly do. For example, had the Saints indeed won yesterday, I am certain I would not be sitting here this morning. I was prepared to declare life as we knew it officially over and revel in the post-apocalyptic morass until my corporeal self expired.. probably within the week. If a Saints Super Bowl appearance isn't your classic opportunity for a "From Hell's heart I stab at thee" moment I don't know what is. I'm not joking. Yesterday was a glorious opportunity to destroy this rotten world by fire. What a bummer it was to find out that the rapture was snowed in.

And yet here I am again.. in this same place trying to make sense of it all once more. I remind myself that life as we know it already ended in August 2005. The fact that our very real post-apocalyptic morass is distinguished from the muddling life of mediocrity that existed before only by the thousands of displaced disrupted or ruined lives and the dwindling hope for relief does not speak well for continued eschatological enthusiasm.

After having had a few more years with which to reflect upon these issues, I have determined that the apocalyptic cycle, due to be completed that day, was foiled by, of all things, a Saints loss. At first this may strike you as an inelegant theory but I've come to believe it's the only thing that makes any sense.

The more I think on the progress of events that followed the Saints failure to end it all in Chicago, the more convinced I am that we're not really supposed to be here anymore; that we've moved into a realm of existence beyond what we formerly understood as reality but not been allowed to pass entirely on to the next plane.

We live now in a shadow world where the highly improbable becomes possible. Consider the following facts selected from recent years:

• The Saints have sold out their fourth consecutive season and have formally agreed to stay in New Orleans for another 15 years



• I have accurately predicted their exact win total in each of the previous two seasons



• I got married



• Clancy Dubos bought me a beer



• The U.S. President is an African American man named Barack Hussein Obama



• Ed Blakely



• Sarah Palin



• Dambala turns out not to be a mysterious undead snake worshiping zombie thing, but is instead some guy named Jason Berry However, for one day, he was also Jacques Morial

There's more but I won't belabor the point. Search your own personal life for more examples. I know they're there. The obvious fact remains. We've been removed from normal time-space and left to fumble about blindly in a strange and incomprehensible ghost world and it's clearly Sean Payton's fault. And all this time we thought he just wanted to kill grandmas.

The good news is, now that the President has declared the end of another summer, Payton and the Saints are presented with a new opportunity to finish the job of putting us out of our misery. Is the 2009 squad finally ready to do us this service? Probably not. But this is the time of the improbable so let's try and sort out the truth from the illusion as best we're able. Here is an arbitrary list of ten items aimed at accomplishing some of this:

1. Anthony Hargrove will have the greatest impact of any newcomer this season. Quick, versatile, and motivated, Hargrove looks like a guy who knows he's getting a second chance and wants to make the most of it. The Saints' coaches think he may be another LaRoi Glover and I'm inclined to agree with them.



2. Marques Colston will play at an all-pro level. That is, as long as he and his quarterback remain healthy.



3. Poochie and Bush are still on the team. Bush is blissfully irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. But, since the Saints have no other healthy tight ends, Poochie will get plenty of opportunities to turn the ball over and throw hissy fits. This worries me.



4. When and if the Smith and Grant suspensions occur, Smith will be missed. Grant not so much.



5. Question: Why are Saints coaches so high on Jermon Bushrod? Answer: They don't have much of a choice. Bushrod is the only healthy left tackle available at present. Would you say anything in the media to damage his confidence? Still, if they aren't bothered by the fact that the left tackle on opening day is making his first career start, they're nuts.



6. I'm not sold on Pierre Thomas this year. It usually looks like a mistake to me when an athlete who relies primarily on agility decides to suddenly put on an extra ten pounds. I wouldn't be surprised if his current injury has something to do with his overloaded frame.



7. As for Mike Bell, how many star running backs can you name who switched teams in the prime of their careers with much success? Let's see there's Marshall Faulk and then... um... The Saints will continue to struggle to run the ball effectively this year.



8. Fire Miles 2009: Okay this item really doesn't fit here but I had to get it in somehow. Surprisingly I find myself among the few LSU fans actually not freaking out this week. Washington gave the Tigers all they could handle and I think they responded well. The more I see Jordan Jefferson play the more convinced I am of his ability. He's still young but he's as talented as any quarterback in the SEC and that includes the uber-douche Tebow. Here's one knock at Miles just for the hell of it. LSU won the opening coin toss but Les Miles decided to put his shaky defense on the field first allowing the homestanding underdog Huskies to set the tone early. I never understand why any coach elects to kick the ball away to start a game but Miles is an idiot anyway so let's not act too shocked.



9. Gregg Williams is not Jesus. I've been resistant to the argument that all this defense needed was one more chubby guy screaming at them from the sidelines. But, dude, Williams is "emphasizing turnovers" the kids say, as if he's the first defensive coach in history to think of that. I hear the offense is "emphasizing scoring" this year too. It's brilliant if you can do it. If the defense improves at all it will be because of Hargrove and Darren Sharper. Positive, yes, but how many wins is it that really good for?



10. Meanwhile, how many wins will the kicking game cost? It seems we're asking this question every year. And every year the answer is at least 3. This season, things could be worse than ever. Garrett Hartley was inconsistent this pre-season hitting a couple of 50+ yarders but missing twice from inside the 30. I can't decide if his four game suspension helps or hurts matters. It leaves things in the care of John Carney and his advanced age for at least a quarter of the season. Plus, there's always the possibility that the new "fuckn snapper" is less reliable as the old one, and that guy was selling bogus "tac creits". If the Saints can't win it all this year, at least let them lose one on a botched snap at some point. Surely this will help restore at least some cosmic validity to the universe.

Look, I tried to do one of these deals where we look at the schedule and try to guess which games are wins or losses but I thought better of it because guessing at match-ups in December from here seems ridiculous. Also the print on my key-ring schedule is too small and difficult to read.

Three things we can say about these Saints are the same three things we've said for three years now. The offense will score but can't dominate anybody physically. The defense needs to show improvement before we believe in it. The kicking game is severely fucked. Depending on how the luck goes, these Saints look like they can win as many as 10 or as few as 5 games. Obviously it would take more than that to win a championship and free the universe from limbo but nobody said that had to happen this year. The other day, my boss pointed out to me that, according to some interpretations of the Mayan calendar, the world isn't actually scheduled to end until 2012. So there's time. Maybe we'll get there but for now let's call it 9-7 with a hopeful toast to the eventual end of the world.



*This is a tribute to a fourth grade teacher of mine who was exceptionally fond of the phrases "On yesterday" or "On tomorrow" which always sounded strange to me. She also often referred to alpha-indicated items on the blackboard as "Numeral A", "Numeral B" etc. This also sounded weird. (When I began writing this post, the Obama speech to children could still accurately be described as "On Yesterday")

**equinox shmeequinox