Don't believe what you read

Recently there have been a number of questions raised about the methodology behind public opinion polls tracking the presidential race. One such dubious poll was conducted last night by me immediately following the VP debate and the results are posted below. At first glance, the results appear to indicate that an overwhelming 75% of "people I called" found John Edwards to be the winner. Unfortunately, the data here is flawed and needs to be revisited. For instance, this morning, the Lib Chron investigative bureau has learned that of these "people I called", only one of them, my Dad, was actually called by me. He reported to me the opinion of my mother, who had previously called him. Rudolph actually called me, and I only have one phone so I was unable to call myself. In light of this information, the results of our poll become more complicated. If we examine the results in terms of "people I called" who I actually did call, the results take a dramatic turn from 75% in favor of Edwards to 100% in favor of Cheney! That is quite a difference. But, now, consider the "people I called" who in fact called me, and the "people I called" who themselves called other people I actually called as well as the "people I called" who are, in fact, me and could not possibly have been reached by me via telephone. In each of these cases, Edwards' margin of victory increases from 75% to 100%. Truly remarkable.. but what does it mean?

It means Edwards won for the following reasons:

Cheney's excuse for being an international criminal and war profiteer was a lame attack on Edwards' attendance record in the Senate

The reason they keep trying to attack Halliburton is because they want to obscure their own record.

And Senator, frankly, you have a record in the Senate that's not very distinguished. You've missed 33 out of 36 meetings in the Judiciary Committee, almost 70 percent of the meetings of the Intelligence Committee.

You've missed a lot of key votes: on tax policy, on energy, on Medicare reform.

Your hometown newspaper has taken to calling you "Senator Gone." You've got one of the worst attendance records in the United States Senate.

Now, in my capacity as vice president, I am the president of Senate, the presiding officer. I'm up in the Senate most Tuesdays when they're in session.

The first time I ever met you was when you walked on the stage tonight.

Now not only is this weak, but it is also a lie. In addition, Edwards was completely ready for it.

I'm surprised to hear him talk about records. When he was one of 435 members of the United States House, he was one of 10 to vote against Head Start, one of four to vote against banning plastic weapons that can pass through metal detectors.

He voted against the Department of Education. He voted against funding for Meals on Wheels for seniors. He voted against a holiday for Martin Luther King. He voted against a resolution calling for the release of Nelson Mandela in South Africa.

It's amazing to hear him criticize either my record or John Kerry's.

I really felt the debate turned in Edwards' favor at that moment. Afterwards, Cheney continued to dig the hole.

• On AIDS among African American Women: " I was not aware that it was -- that they're in epidemic there" His answer was meant to be sympathetic, but it sounds bad to say it the way he did.
• Asked about overcoming partisanship in Washington, Cheney referenced Zell Miller's disastrous appearance at the RNC. Bad idea.
• Toward the end, Cheney kept putting his hands over his mouth and mumbling and scowling like the miserable fat fuck that he is.

These were my impressions. Dad thought that Cheney won the debate because he didn't do anything to unconvert the already converted Bush base, while Edwards appeared to be nervous and pandering. If Dad is right, and he may be, we may as well just call off the election now. But hey, the Red Sox won yesterday and I'm starting to believe in miracles again.