Truly Shocking News

It was 1984. I was entering those precious middle school years when we all start to grow into the asinine smart ass adolescents who in turn become asinine confused adults. In other words, I was starting to have opinions about the larger world. Unfortunately so were the other kids. An unseemly cabal of the girls in my class formed one such opinion that apparently this Madonna shit was cool. I took one look at the manufactured "music," the fashion magazine bubble gum bullshit lyrical content, the gross self centered consumerist values flaunted as though they were some revolutionary idea and suddenly I had an epiphany. (get it? Madonna.. epiphany? I practically slay me!) I may not have known a whole lot about the world but by God I knew I hated this. And thus began my grand lifelong pursuit of relentlessly hating stuff.

So Madonna holds a special place in my heart. This is why I am filled with such shock and, yes, sadness at this bit of news I picked up reading RHT today. What, jeffrey, upsets you so? Is it this?

In the most bizarre name change since Puff Daddy became P. Diddy, the Material Girl has adopted the ancient Hebrew name of Esther.

Well, no, you see Madonna is a big self important flake and it comes as no surprise that she would a) take up some nutty form of Jewish mysticism or b) change her name.
Well then is it this?

"This is in no way a negation of who my mother was. I wanted to attach myself to the energy of a different name."

Or this?

It remains to be seen if Madonna's millions of fans will begin referring to her as Esther, which translates as "star."

Well, no and no. Remember. Big flake, full of herself. What is truly disturbing about this item can be found in the following excerpt.

"My mother died when she was very young, of cancer, and I wanted to attach myself to an other name," Madonna, 45, told ABC News.

Holy fuck Madonna is 45!! My God that must make me.. well a month from 30 thank you very much. But now, somehow, that too is Madonna's fault. God I hate her.